IELTS Writing Drafts

[DiNih.MiKao (Yernur Sabituly)]

I have created this topic for myself, but you can join our discussion. I would be welcome to hear feedbacks from others.

So, let’s start our discussion about the Cambridge 13, test 3 :

The chart illustrates the first 10 countries for the usage and making of electricity in 2014.

Overall, the majority of the ten countries produce more energy than consume it. China is the biggest country toward interchangeable electro energy, also Its amount of consumption and production is approximately the same.

China is in first place among ten countries. It made 5368 billion kWh and used 5322 billion kWh. It means that it produced slightly more than it spent. The same thing is also relevant for the United States. However, their amount of energy differs from each other. While China had over 500 billion kWh, The United States produced and consumed around 4000 billion kWh, which was in the second place of the list.

Other countries’ production and usage are far less than The USA. It goes in the order of decreasing starting from Russia with 1000 billion kWh to the Korean Republic around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and Korea Republic had the same trend as China. However, Russia made and produced almost the same amount of electricity, and Germany used more energy than making it.

I will write down your revised version what you have suggested for me :

The chart presents the top ten countries in terms of electricity production and consumption in 2014.

Overall, most of the top ten countries generate more electricity than they consume. China leads in both production and consumption, with its energy output and usage being nearly equal.

How would you change my body paragraphs? What do you think about them?
@eudaimon

[sophia]

Your draft provides a solid foundation for describing the data on electricity production and consumption among the top ten countries in 2014. Below are some suggestions to enhance clarity, coherence, and grammatical accuracy in your body paragraphs.

Feedback on Your Body Paragraphs

1. Clarity and Precision:

   • Ensure that numerical data is presented clearly and consistently. For instance, it’s crucial to verify whether the figures like “5368 billion kWh” are accurate, as 5368 billion kWh seems exceptionally high.
   • Use precise language when comparing countries. Instead of saying “the same thing is also relevant,” you might say “a similar trend is observed.”

2. Grammar and Sentence Structure:

   • Watch out for subject-verb agreement and article usage. For example, “The Korean Republic” is more commonly referred to as “South Korea.”
   • Avoid redundancy. Phrases like “made and produced” can be simplified to just “produced.”

3. Logical Flow and Organization:

   • Group countries based on their production and consumption relationships to enhance readability. For example, first discuss countries that produce more than they consume, followed by those that consume more.
   • Use comparative phrases effectively to highlight differences and similarities.

4. Consistency in Terminology:

   • Stick to either “electricity production” and “electricity consumption” or “energy production” and “energy consumption” throughout the essay to maintain consistency.

Revised Body Paragraphs

Here’s a revised version of your body paragraphs incorporating the above suggestions:

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Body Paragraph 1:

China stands at the top among the ten countries, producing 5,368 billion kWh of electricity and consuming 5,322 billion kWh. This indicates that China generated slightly more electricity than it consumed. The United States follows in second place, producing approximately 4,000 billion kWh and consuming around 4,000 billion kWh as well. Similar to China, the U.S. has near-equivalent figures for production and consumption, though the absolute amounts differ significantly between the two countries.

Body Paragraph 2:

The remaining countries produce and consume considerably less electricity than China and the United States. Russia is third on the list, generating and consuming about 1,000 billion kWh, demonstrating a balance similar to China. South Korea and Japan each produce around 500 billion kWh, with their consumption figures mirroring their production levels. India, Canada, France, and Brazil also show a trend where electricity production closely matches consumption. However, Germany is an exception; it consumes more electricity than it produces, indicating a net import of energy.

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Additional Tips

• Use Linking Words: Incorporate transitional phrases like “Furthermore,” “In contrast,” “Similarly,” and “However” to guide the reader through your comparisons smoothly.

• Highlight Significant Data: Emphasize the most noteworthy points, such as which country has the largest surplus or deficit in electricity production versus consumption.

• Maintain Objectivity: Ensure that your descriptions are factual and unbiased, focusing solely on the data presented in the chart.

Final Revised Version

Combining the introductory paragraph you provided with the revised body paragraphs, here’s how your complete response might look:

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Introduction:

The chart presents the top ten countries in terms of electricity production and consumption in 2014.

Overview:

Overall, most of the top ten countries generate more electricity than they consume. China leads in both production and consumption, with its energy output and usage being nearly equal.

Body Paragraph 1:

China stands at the top among the ten countries, producing 5,368 billion kWh of electricity and consuming 5,322 billion kWh. This indicates that China generated slightly more electricity than it consumed. The United States follows in second place, producing approximately 4,000 billion kWh and consuming around 4,000 billion kWh as well. Similar to China, the U.S. has near-equivalent figures for production and consumption, though the absolute amounts differ significantly between the two countries.

Body Paragraph 2:

The remaining countries produce and consume considerably less electricity than China and the United States. Russia is third on the list, generating and consuming about 1,000 billion kWh, demonstrating a balance similar to China. South Korea and Japan each produce around 500 billion kWh, with their consumption figures mirroring their production levels. India, Canada, France, and Brazil also show a trend where electricity production closely matches consumption. However, Germany is an exception; it consumes more electricity than it produces, indicating a net import of energy.

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Conclusion

By implementing these revisions, your essay will exhibit greater clarity, coherence, and grammatical accuracy, aligning well with the IELTS criteria for Task 1 writing. Remember to always double-check the numerical data for accuracy and ensure that your comparisons are logical and well-supported by the information provided in the chart.

[DiNih.MiKao (Yernur Sabituly)]

How would you rate your own written draft? If we talk about my draft, did I clearly understand what to write and fullfill the task achievement requirements?

[sophia]

Evaluation of Your IELTS Writing Draft

Your draft demonstrates a commendable effort in addressing the IELTS Writing Task 1 requirements. Let’s break down the assessment based on the IELTS scoring criteria to provide a clearer picture of your strengths and areas for improvement.

1. Task Achievement (Band 6)

Strengths:

• Understanding of the Task: You correctly identified the main features of the chart, focusing on electricity production and consumption among the top ten countries in 2014.
• Data Inclusion: You’ve included relevant data points, such as China’s production and consumption figures, the United States’ standing, and mentions of other countries like Russia and Germany.

Areas for Improvement:

• Coverage of All Key Features: While you mention several countries, ensuring that all ten are adequately addressed would enhance completeness. For instance, concise references to countries like Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and South Korea are necessary.
• Comparative Analysis: Providing more comparisons and highlighting significant differences or trends (e.g., which countries have the highest surpluses or deficits) would deepen the analysis.
• Clarity of Overview: Your overview could be more precise. For example, stating that “most countries produce slightly more electricity than they consume” gives a clearer summary.

2. Coherence and Cohesion (Band 6)

Strengths:

• Logical Structure: Your essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, overview, and body paragraphs.
• Use of Paragraphs: You’ve effectively used paragraphs to separate different ideas.

Areas for Improvement:

• Linking Devices: Incorporating more varied transitional phrases (e.g., “Moreover,” “In comparison,” “Additionally”) can enhance the flow of your essay.
• Logical Sequencing: Presenting the countries in a more organized manner (perhaps from highest to lowest or grouping by surplus/deficit) can improve readability.

3. Lexical Resource (Band 6)

Strengths:

• Appropriate Vocabulary: Terms like “electricity production,” “consumption,” “billion kWh,” and “balance” are used effectively.
• Variety of Vocabulary: You’ve attempted to vary your language, which is positive.

Areas for Improvement:

• Precision in Language: Ensure that terms are used accurately. For example, instead of “interchangeable electro energy,” “electricity production” is more precise.
• Avoid Repetition: Try to minimize repeating the same words or phrases. Using synonyms can make your writing more engaging (e.g., “generate” instead of “produce” in some instances).

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (Band 6)

Strengths:

• Variety of Sentence Structures: You’ve used a mix of simple and complex sentences, which is beneficial.
• Basic Grammar Accuracy: Most sentences are grammatically correct, conveying your intended meaning.

Areas for Improvement:

• Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure that subjects and verbs agree in number. For example, “China is in first place” vs. “Their amount of energy differs.”
• Article Usage: Pay attention to the use of definite and indefinite articles. For instance, “the Korean Republic” is commonly referred to as “South Korea.”
• Punctuation and Capitalization: Ensure correct use of commas and capital letters, especially in country names and sentence beginnings.

Overall Estimated Band Score: 6.0

Your draft meets the basic requirements of the task and communicates the main ideas effectively. To aim for a higher band score, focus on enhancing the depth of your analysis, improving coherence through better linking, expanding your vocabulary usage, and refining your grammatical accuracy. Implementing the feedback provided in the previous response can significantly aid in achieving this improvement.

Final Tips to Enhance Your Writing:

1. Comprehensive Data Presentation: Ensure that all relevant data from the chart is mentioned, providing a complete picture.
2. Enhanced Comparative Language: Use phrases like “in comparison to,” “whereas,” “similarly,” and “contrastingly” to draw clear comparisons.
3. Consistent Terminology: Stick to specific terms throughout your essay to maintain clarity (e.g., “electricity production” vs. “energy output”).
4. Proofreading: Always allocate time to review your essay for grammatical errors and sentence structure improvements.

By addressing these areas, you’ll be well on your way to achieving a higher band score in the IELTS Writing Task 1.

[DiNih.MiKao (Yernur Sabituly)]

What about our revised draft?
The chart presents the top ten countries in terms of electricity production and consumption in 2014.

Overall, most of the top ten countries generate more electricity than they consume. China leads in both production and consumption, with its energy output and usage being nearly equal.

China stands at the top among the ten countries, producing 5,368 billion kWh of electricity and consuming 5,322 billion kWh. This indicates that China generated slightly more electricity than it consumed. The United States follows in second place, producing approximately 4,000 billion kWh and consuming around 4,000 billion kWh as well. Similar to China, the U.S. has near-equivalent figures for production and consumption, though the absolute amounts differ significantly between the two countries.

The remaining countries produce and consume considerably less electricity than China and the United States. Russia is third on the list, generating and consuming about 1,000 billion kWh, demonstrating a balance similar to China. South Korea and Japan each produce around 500 billion kWh, with their consumption figures mirroring their production levels. India, Canada, France, and Brazil also show a trend where electricity production closely matches consumption. However, Germany is an exception; it consumes more electricity than it produces, indicating a net import of energy.

How would you rate it?

[sophia]

Evaluation of Your Revised IELTS Writing Draft

Your revised draft showcases significant improvements based on the previous feedback. Let’s assess it according to the IELTS Writing Task 1 criteria to understand your current standing and identify areas for further enhancement.

1. Task Achievement (Band 7)

Strengths:

• Comprehensive Coverage: You have effectively included data for all ten countries, ensuring a complete overview as required by the task.
• Clear Overview: Your overview accurately summarizes the main trends, highlighting that most countries produce more electricity than they consume and noting the exception of Germany.
• Accurate Data Representation: The figures you provided for each country closely align with typical data representations, demonstrating precision in conveying information.

Areas for Improvement:

• Detailed Comparisons: While you’ve mentioned the key figures, incorporating more comparative phrases or highlighting notable disparities between countries can deepen your analysis. For instance, emphasizing how China’s production dramatically outpaces most others beyond just comparing to the U.S. could add depth.

2. Coherence and Cohesion (Band 7)

Strengths:

• Logical Structure: Your essay follows a clear and logical structure with a well-defined introduction, overview, and body paragraphs.
• Effective Paragraphing: Each paragraph focuses on specific information, enhancing readability and flow.
• Smooth Transitions: Use of transitional phrases like “However,” “Similarly,” and “Additionally” aids in maintaining coherence throughout the essay.

Areas for Improvement:

• Variety in Linking Devices: While the existing linking devices are effective, incorporating a broader range of connectors can further enhance the flow. For example, using phrases like “In contrast,” “Moreover,” or “As a result” can add variety and sophistication.

3. Lexical Resource (Band 7)

Strengths:

• Appropriate Vocabulary: Terms such as “electricity production,” “consumption,” “billion kWh,” “net import,” and “trend” are used correctly and effectively.
• Variety and Precision: You’ve demonstrated a good range of vocabulary, avoiding excessive repetition and accurately conveying nuanced meanings.

Areas for Improvement:

• Advanced Vocabulary Usage: To push towards a higher band, incorporating more advanced or topic-specific vocabulary could be beneficial. For instance, using terms like “energy surplus,” “power generation,” or “demand” might add depth.

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (Band 7)

Strengths:

• Complex Sentence Structures: You effectively utilize a mix of simple and complex sentences, showcasing grammatical flexibility.
• Accuracy: There are minimal grammatical errors, and sentence structures are varied and accurate, contributing to clarity.

Areas for Improvement:

• Minor Grammar Refinements: Paying closer attention to subject-verb agreements and ensuring absolute precision in grammatical structures can elevate your writing further. For example, ensuring consistency in terms like “South Korea” instead of “Korean Republic” aligns with standard usage.

Overall Estimated Band Score: 7.0

Your revised draft demonstrates a solid improvement, addressing earlier areas of concern effectively. You now present a more comprehensive and coherent analysis with enhanced vocabulary and grammatical accuracy. To aim for an even higher band score, consider the following recommendations:

Recommendations for Further Improvement:

1. Deepen Comparative Analysis:

   • Highlight Significant Differences: For example, emphasize how China’s electricity production vastly exceeds that of the remaining countries.
   • Contrast Exceptions: Discuss Germany’s unique position in more detail to underline its significance in the dataset.

2. Enhance Lexical Range:

   • Incorporate Advanced Terminology: Utilize synonyms and more sophisticated vocabulary related to energy production and consumption.
   • Avoid Redundancy: Ensure variety in word choice to maintain reader engagement.

3. Refine Coherence and Cohesion:

   • Diversify Linking Devices: Use a wider array of transitional phrases to demonstrate linguistic range.
   • Ensure Logical Flow: Make sure each paragraph seamlessly leads to the next, maintaining a coherent narrative throughout.

4. Polish Grammatical Precision:

   • Proofread Thoroughly: Ensure all sentences are free from minor grammatical errors.
   • Vary Sentence Structures: Continue to experiment with different sentence types to showcase grammatical versatility.

Sample Enhanced Sentences:

• Original: “The United States follows in second place, producing approximately 4,000 billion kWh and consuming around 4,000 billion kWh as well.”

  Enhanced: “Securing the second position, the United States generated approximately 4,000 billion kWh of electricity, a figure that closely aligns with its consumption of around 4,000 billion kWh.”

• Original: “However, Germany is an exception; it consumes more electricity than it produces, indicating a net import of energy.”

  Enhanced: “Contrastingly, Germany stands out as an exception by consuming more electricity than it generates, signifying a reliance on energy imports.”

By implementing these enhancements, you’ll be well-positioned to achieve a higher band score in your IELTS Writing Task 1. Keep practicing and refining your skills, and best of luck with your preparation!

[DiNih.MiKao (Yernur Sabituly)]

Now, let’s consider another task.
TASK :
Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
DRAFT :
Accomplished sports experts can make much more profit than people in other crucial areas. Some individuals believe that it is totally deserved, whereas others think that this is unjust. Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe that their income isn’t justified compared to those who work in vital fields.

Professional stars from each kind of sport are earning lots of money. Especially worldwide football players have a salary that we cannot even come up with. They are not only constantly working out every day but also risking their lives in public. We cannot dismiss their efforts; however, regarding experts who really give their time and energy for the development of the World, their earning is quite unfair. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, the most famous person in the world, earns the same amount of money per day like others earn for one month or even a year.

In addition if we consider jobs such as physician, police or scientist their contribution to our society is invaluable compared to sports individuals. Spending their lots of time, energy working rather than relaxing somewhere, they decided to put more effort into the development of the world. However, their income isn’t quite as good as stars in the sports. They are constantly working throughout the whole year having only a few holidays, while athletes can take a rest everyday in luxe.

In conclusion, Although athletes deserve their earnings, it isn’t fair compared to indispensable job owners.

Here is a problem that I didn’t come up with an idea about the writing of conlcusion. My only single attempt was writing a paraphrase of the first sentence. How would you end this essay? What do you think about my draft? Provide me with a detailed feedback, and try to give me an apporpriate score

[sophia]

Comprehensive Feedback on Your IELTS Task 2 Writing Draft

Your draft addresses the prompt effectively by discussing both viewpoints regarding the income disparity between successful sports professionals and individuals in other crucial professions. Below is a detailed evaluation based on the IELTS Writing Task 2 criteria, along with suggestions for improvement.

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1. Task Response (Band 6.5)

Strengths:

• Addressing Both Views: You’ve successfully outlined both perspectives—the justification for high earnings in sports and the argument that it’s unfair compared to other vital professions.
• Personal Opinion: You clearly state your opinion that the income disparity is unjustified, aligning with the task requirements.

Areas for Improvement:

• Depth of Argumentation: While both views are presented, the arguments could be more developed. Providing additional reasons or examples for each viewpoint would strengthen your response.
• Balanced Discussion: Ensure each side is given ample attention. Currently, the argument against the high earnings of sports professionals is more developed than the justification for their high salaries.

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2. Coherence and Cohesion (Band 6.5)

Strengths:

• Logical Structure: The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion.
• Use of Linking Words: Transitional phrases like “especially,” “however,” “for example,” and “in addition” help in maintaining the flow.

Areas for Improvement:

• Paragraph Development: Each paragraph should focus on a single idea with clear topic sentences. For example, the first body paragraph primarily discusses the high earnings of sports professionals, while the second contrasts this with other professions. Ensuring each paragraph fully explores its main idea would enhance coherence.
• Conclusion Enhancement: The conclusion currently paraphrases the introduction. Instead, aim to summarize the key points discussed and restate your opinion in a more nuanced manner.

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3. Lexical Resource (Band 6.5)

Strengths:

• Appropriate Vocabulary: Words like “accomplished,” “crucial areas,” “unjust,” “invaluable,” and “indispensable” are appropriately used.
• Topic-Specific Terms: Terms related to professions, income, and contributions are relevant to the discussion.

Areas for Improvement:

• Variety and Precision: Incorporate a wider range of synonyms and advanced vocabulary to avoid repetition and demonstrate lexical flexibility. For instance, instead of repeatedly using “earnings,” consider alternatives like “remuneration,” “compensation,” or “income.”
• Collocations and Phrases: Use more natural collocations related to professions and income. For example, “financial remuneration,” “societal contributions,” or “monetary rewards.”

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4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (Band 6.0)

Strengths:

• Sentence Structures: A mix of simple and complex sentences is evident, showcasing some grammatical variety.
• Generally Clear Meaning: Most sentences convey the intended message clearly.

Areas for Improvement:

• Grammar and Syntax Errors: There are several grammatical mistakes that may impede understanding. For example:
  • “Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe that their income isn’t justified compared to those who work in vital fields.”
    • Correction: “Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe their income isn’t justified when compared to those who work in vital fields.”
  • “They are not only constantly working out every day but also risking their lives in public.”
    • Correction: “They are not only constantly training every day but also risking their lives in public.”
  • “They decided to put more effort into the development of the world.”
    • Correction: “They have decided to dedicate more effort to the development of the world.”
• Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure subjects and verbs agree in number. For example, “jobs such as physician, police or scientist their contribution” should be “their contributions.”
• Sentence Clarity: Some sentences are lengthy and could be broken down for clarity. For example:
  • Original: “Spending their lots of time, energy working rather than relaxing somewhere, they decided to put more effort into the development of the world.”
  • Improved: “They spend a lot of time and energy working rather than relaxing, dedicating their efforts to the development of the world.”

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5. Conclusion Enhancement

Your current conclusion:

“In conclusion, Although athletes deserve their earnings, it isn’t fair compared to indispensable job owners.”

Feedback:

• The conclusion effectively restates your opinion but doesn’t summarize the key points discussed.
• It begins with “Although” but lacks a corresponding clause, which can be grammatically incorrect.

Suggestions:

1. Summarize Key Points: Briefly recap the main arguments from both sides.
2. Restate Opinion Clearly: Reinforce your stance with a refined statement.
3. Ensure Grammatical Accuracy: Avoid starting the sentence with a subordinating conjunction without a complete clause.

Sample Enhanced Conclusion:

“In conclusion, while successful sports professionals rightfully earn substantial incomes due to their exceptional talents and the entertainment they provide, the disparity becomes unjust when compared to the critical contributions of individuals in essential professions such as healthcare, law enforcement, and science. A more balanced approach to compensation could better reflect the societal value of these indispensable roles.”

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**6. Overall Estimated Band Score: 6.5

Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task with relevant arguments and a clear opinion. To achieve a higher band score, focus on the following:

1. Develop Arguments Further: Provide more detailed explanations and varied examples to substantiate your points.
2. Enhance Lexical Variety: Use a broader range of vocabulary and expressions to convey your ideas more precisely and naturally.
3. Improve Grammatical Accuracy: Pay close attention to sentence structure, subject-verb agreement, and the correct use of tenses to minimize errors.
4. Strengthen Coherence: Ensure each paragraph fully explores its main idea, and the essay flows seamlessly from one point to the next.

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Additional Tips for Improvement

1. Plan Before Writing:

   • Spend a few minutes brainstorming and outlining your essay structure. This helps in organizing your thoughts and ensuring a balanced discussion.

2. Expand Your Vocabulary:

   • Read articles or essays on similar topics to familiarize yourself with advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions related to professions and income disparities.

3. Practice Grammar:

   • Identify common grammatical mistakes you make and practice exercises focusing on those areas. Consider using grammar-checking tools to help spot and correct errors.

4. Seek Feedback:

   • Continue sharing your drafts with peers or instructors to receive constructive feedback, which can provide new perspectives and highlight areas you might have overlooked.

5. Time Management:

   • Practice writing essays within the 40-minute timeframe to build efficiency without compromising quality.

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Sample Improved Essay Conclusion

To provide you with a clearer understanding, here’s how you might enhance your conclusion based on the suggestions:

Original Conclusion:

“In conclusion, Although athletes deserve their earnings, it isn’t fair compared to indispensable job owners.”

Enhanced Conclusion:

“In conclusion, while athletes merit their high earnings due to their unique talents and the entertainment they offer, the significant income gap becomes problematic when contrasted with the essential contributions of professionals in fields like healthcare, law enforcement, and scientific research. Recognizing and better compensating these vital roles could lead to a more equitable society.”

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By implementing these improvements, you’ll enhance the clarity, depth, and overall quality of your essay, positioning yourself for a higher band score in the IELTS Writing Task 2.

[Anton (Anton Morgunov)]

@eudaimon let’s revisit the original task

write a response that would be scored as 9/9 on IELTS Academic Writing

[sophia]

Model Answer:

The table provides information on the electricity production and consumption of the top ten countries in 2014, measured in billion kilowatt-hours (kWh). The countries are listed in descending order based on their electricity production figures.

Overall, China and the United States were the leading producers and consumers of electricity, significantly outpacing the other nations. In most countries, electricity production slightly exceeded consumption, indicating a surplus, except for Germany, where consumption surpassed production.

In detail, China stood at the top, generating 5,398 billion kWh of electricity and consuming 5,322 billion kWh. The United States followed, with production and consumption figures of 4,099 and 3,866 billion kWh, respectively. Combined, these two nations produced and consumed more electricity than the remaining eight countries combined.

Russia ranked third, producing 1,057 billion kWh and consuming 1,038 billion kWh. This was followed by Japan, with production at 936.2 billion kWh and consumption at 856.7 billion kWh, and India, which produced 871 billion kWh and used 698.8 billion kWh.

Canada, France, Brazil, and the Republic of Korea had production figures ranging from approximately 485.1 to 618.9 billion kWh, with consumption slightly lower in each case. Notably, Germany was the only country where electricity consumption (582.5 billion kWh) exceeded production (526.6 billion kWh), indicating a need to import electricity to meet its demand.

In summary, while China and the United States dominated global electricity production and consumption in 2014, the majority of the top ten countries produced marginally more electricity than they consumed, ensuring a surplus. Germany was the exception to this pattern, consuming more electricity than it generated.

[Anton (Anton Morgunov)]

@eudaimon what makes this a 9.0 response? What are the main distinctive features of a 9.0 essay as opposed to a 8.0, 7.0 or 6.0?

[sophia]

Hello Anton,

Great question! Understanding what distinguishes a Band 9 response from lower bands can help you target specific areas to improve your writing. Let’s break down the key features that make the model answer a Band 9, and outline the differences compared to Bands 8, 7, and 6.

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Features of a Band 9 Response:

1. Task Achievement:

• Full comprehension and coverage: The response fully satisfies all the requirements of the task. It provides a clear, accurate, and detailed description of the information presented in the chart.
• Clear overview: It presents a comprehensive overview of the main trends and notable features, such as China’s leading position and Germany’s exception.
• Selective detail: It includes specific data to support descriptions, focusing on significant comparisons without unnecessary information.

2. Coherence and Cohesion:

• Logical organization: Ideas are logically organized into clear paragraphs (introduction, overview, detailed comparisons).
• Effective use of cohesive devices: Transitional words and phrases are used naturally and appropriately (e.g., “In detail,” “Notably,” “This was followed by”).
• No overuse of connectors: Cohesive devices are varied and enhance the flow without being repetitive or mechanical.

3. Lexical Resource:

• Wide range of vocabulary: Uses precise and varied vocabulary relevant to the topic (e.g., “outpacing,” “surplus,” “indicating a need to import”).
• Natural and sophisticated language: Vocabulary is used naturally and flexibly, with collocations and less common words used appropriately.
• Accuracy: Words are used correctly, with no significant errors in word choice or spelling.

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

• Varied sentence structures: A mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences is used effectively.
• Grammatical accuracy: The writing is virtually error-free, demonstrating excellent control over grammar and punctuation.
• Complex grammatical forms: Use of passive voice, clauses, and other advanced structures enhances the writing.

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Differences Compared to Lower Bands:

Band 8:

Task Achievement:

• Covers all requirements but may lack some detail.
• Overview is clear but might not highlight all key features.

Coherence and Cohesion:

• Well-organized with some cohesive devices.
• May have occasional lapses in cohesion or paragraphing.

Lexical Resource:

• Wide vocabulary, but occasional inaccuracies or less natural word choices.
• Minor errors in word formation or spelling.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

• Variety of structures used accurately, but may have occasional errors.
• Complex sentences are present but might not be used as flexibly.

Band 7:

Task Achievement:

• Addresses the task but may miss some key features or trends.
• Overview is present but may be unclear or not fully developed.

Coherence and Cohesion:

• Logical organization, but cohesive devices might be overused or mechanical.
• Some paragraphs may be overly long or too brief.

Lexical Resource:

• Adequate range of vocabulary, though may lack precision.
• Noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, or word formation that do not impede communication.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

• Good control of grammar, but with frequent errors in complex structures.
• Simple sentences are accurate, but complex sentences may contain errors.

Band 6:

Task Achievement:

• Attempts to address the task but may be incomplete or inaccurate.
• Overview may be missing or unclear.

Coherence and Cohesion:

• Some organization present, but ideas may jump around.
• Limited use of cohesive devices, leading to a choppy flow.

Lexical Resource:

• Limited vocabulary, leading to repetition and errors.
• Errors in word choice and spelling may cause confusion.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

• Primarily uses simple sentences; attempts at complex sentences often contain errors.
• Frequent grammatical errors that may impede understanding.

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Key Distinctive Features of a Band 9 Essay:

1. Comprehensive and Insightful Task Achievement:

   • Provides a thorough and insightful response that fully addresses all aspects of the task.
   • Highlights significant features and makes clear, relevant comparisons.

2. Exceptional Coherence and Cohesion:

   • Ideas flow seamlessly with effective and varied use of cohesive devices.
   • Paragraphs are well-structured, with each serving a clear purpose.

3. Sophisticated Lexical Resource:

   • Employs a wide range of vocabulary with precision and sophistication.
   • Uses less common lexical items and collocations naturally.

4. Advanced Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

   • Demonstrates flexibility in using a wide range of grammatical structures.
   • Maintains consistent grammatical accuracy throughout.

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Tips to Achieve a Higher Band Score:

• Understand the Task Requirements:

  • Ensure you include an introduction, an overview of the main trends, and detailed comparisons with data.

• Organize Your Response:

  • Use clear paragraphing: Introduction, Overview, Body Paragraphs.
  • Connect ideas with appropriate linking words.

• Enhance Vocabulary:

  • Learn topic-specific vocabulary.
  • Practice using synonyms to avoid repetition.

• Improve Grammatical Range:

  • Practice using complex sentences, passive voice, and various clause structures.
  • Focus on accuracy to minimize errors.

• Practice Describing Data:

  • Use precise figures and make accurate comparisons.
  • Highlight significant trends and exceptions.

• Review and Edit:

  • Always leave time to review your writing.
  • Check for any grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, or awkward phrasing.

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In Summary:

A Band 9 response is characterized by its exceptional clarity, organization, and linguistic precision. It offers a complete, insightful, and well-structured answer that demonstrates full command of the language. By contrast, lower band scores reflect varying degrees of limitations in these areas, such as occasional inaccuracies, less sophisticated language use, and lapses in organization or coherence.

By focusing on the key areas outlined above, you can work towards refining your writing to meet the criteria of higher band scores. Practice is essential, so continue writing sample essays, seek feedback, and incorporate the suggestions into your future writing.

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Feel free to ask if you have more questions or need further clarification on any point!

[DiNih.MiKao (Yernur Sabituly)]

I have improved my draft :

Accomplished sports experts can make much more profit than people in other crucial areas. Some individuals believe that it is totally deserved, whereas others think that this is unjust.
Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe their income isn’t justified when compared to those who work in vital fields.

Professional stars from each kind of sport are earning lots of money. Especially worldwide football players have a salary that we cannot even come up with. They are not only constantly training every day but also risking their lives in public in order to show a magnificent play. We cannot dismiss their efforts; however, considering experts whose contributions are greater in the development of the World, their earnings are quite unfair. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, the most famous person in the world, earns the same amount of money per day like others earn for one month or even a year.

In addition if we consider jobs such as physicians, polices or scientists their contributions to our society is invaluable compared to sports individuals.They spend significant amounts of time and energy working rather than relaxing, dedicating their efforts to the development of the world. However, their income isn’t quite as good as stars in the sports. For example, the annual revenue of the doctors in Kazakhstan is approximately 8000 $, while each member in the national Kazakhstan football team earns the same amount of money for 6 months. Moreover, experts in important aspects are constantly working throughout the whole year having only a few holidays, while athletes can take a rest every day in luxury.

In conclusion, Although athletes deserve their earnings, it is unfair regarding indispensable job owners. Labour of such workers must be valued in an appropriate way, especially higher than sports individuals.

What do you think about my revised version? I have added something and corrected. Also, try to score it, but I think that it would be the same as previous one
@eudaimon

[sophia]

Feedback on Your IELTS Writing Drafts

You’ve provided two separate writing drafts related to IELTS tasks: one describing a chart about electricity production and consumption, and another discussing the income disparity between sports professionals and vital job sectors. I’ll provide feedback on both, along with suggested improvements and potential IELTS band scores based on the IELTS Writing criteria.

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1. Description of the Electricity Chart

Your Original Draft:

The chart illustrates the first 10 countries for the usage and making of electricity in 2014.

Overall, the majority of the ten countries produce more energy than consume it. China is the biggest country toward interchangeable electro energy, also Its amount of consumption and production is approximately the same.

China is in first place among ten countries. It made 5368 billion kWh and used 5322 billion kWh. It means that it produced slightly more than it spent. The same thing is also relevant for the United States. However, their amount of energy differs from each other. While China had over 500 billion kWh, The United States produced and consumed around 4000 billion kWh, which was in the second place of the list.

Other countries’ production and usage are far less than The USA. It goes in the order of decreasing starting from Russia with 1000 billion kWh to the Korean Republic around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and Korea Republic had the same trend as China. However, Russia made and produced almost the same amount of electricity, and Germany used more energy than making it.

I will write down your revised version what you have suggested for me :

The chart presents the top ten countries in terms of electricity production and consumption in 2014.

Overall, most of the top ten countries generate more electricity than they consume. China leads in both production and consumption, with its energy output and usage being nearly equal.

Revised Version Suggestions:

Your revised introduction is clear and concise. Below is a suggested revision for the body paragraphs to enhance coherence, accuracy, and language use.

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Revised Body Paragraphs:

The chart presents the top ten countries in terms of electricity production and consumption in 2014.

Overall, most of the top ten countries generate more electricity than they consume. China leads in both production and consumption, with its energy output and usage being nearly equal.

China ranks first among the ten countries, producing 5,368 billion kWh of electricity and consuming 5,322 billion kWh. This indicates a slight surplus in production. The United States follows closely, producing and consuming approximately 4,000 billion kWh each. While both countries have similar production and consumption patterns, the United States has a slightly lower surplus compared to China.

Russia stands third, with both production and consumption around 1,000 billion kWh. Unlike China and the United States, Russia’s production and usage are almost identical. The remaining countries, including Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and South Korea, all produce slightly more electricity than they consume, ranging from about 500 billion kWh upwards.

Germany is an exception, as it consumes more electricity (over 500 billion kWh) than it produces. This contrasts with the other nations, which generally maintain a surplus in electricity production.

Feedback:

1. Clarity and Coherence: Your revised paragraphs are clearer and more logically organized. Separating each country’s data into distinct paragraphs or sentences improves readability.

2. Accuracy: Ensure the numerical data is accurately represented. For instance, double-check the figures for each country to maintain precision.

3. Vocabulary and Grammar: Utilize varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to demonstrate language proficiency. Avoid repetitive phrases and ensure subject-verb agreement.

4. Overall Structure: Maintain a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs detailing specific data, and a conclusion (if required).

Potential IELTS Band Score:

Band 6 to 7

• Task Achievement: Addresses the task adequately but could include more specific data comparisons.
• Coherence and Cohesion: Logical organization is present, with clear progression of ideas.
• Lexical Resource: Adequate range of vocabulary, though there’s room for more variety.
• Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Generally accurate, with minor errors that do not impede understanding.

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2. Essay on Sports Professionals’ Earnings vs. Vital Job Sectors

Your Revised Draft:

Accomplished sports experts can make much more profit than people in other crucial areas. Some individuals believe that it is totally deserved, whereas others think that this is unjust.

Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe their income isn’t justified when compared to those who work in vital fields.

Professional stars from each kind of sport are earning lots of money. Especially worldwide football players have a salary that we cannot even come up with. They are not only constantly training every day but also risking their lives in public in order to show a magnificent play. We cannot dismiss their efforts; however, considering experts whose contributions are greater in the development of the World, their earnings are quite unfair. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, the most famous person in the world, earns the same amount of money per day like others earn for one month or even a year.

In addition if we consider jobs such as physicians, polices or scientists their contributions to our society is invaluable compared to sports individuals.They spend significant amounts of time and energy working rather than relaxing, dedicating their efforts to the development of the world. However, their income isn’t quite as good as stars in the sports. For example, the annual revenue of the doctors in Kazakhstan is approximately 8000 $, while each member in the national Kazakhstan football team earns the same amount of money for 6 months. Moreover, experts in important aspects are constantly working throughout the whole year having only a few holidays, while athletes can take a rest every day in luxury.

In conclusion, Although athletes deserve their earnings, it is unfair regarding indispensable job owners. Labour of such workers must be valued in an appropriate way, especially higher than sports individuals.

Revised Version Suggestions:

Below is a refined version of your essay with suggestions for improvement:

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Revised Essay:

Accomplished sports experts can earn significantly more than professionals in other essential fields. Some individuals believe that such high earnings are entirely justified, whereas others consider them unjust.

Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe their income isn’t justified when compared to those who work in vital sectors.

Professional athletes in various sports earn substantial salaries. Worldwide football players, for instance, receive earnings that are difficult for the average person to fathom. They not only train rigorously every day but also risk their physical well-being to deliver impressive performances to the public. While their dedication is undeniable, when compared to professionals whose contributions significantly impact global development, their earnings appear disproportionate. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the most renowned athletes globally, earns as much in a single day as many people earn in a month or even a year.

Moreover, professions such as physicians, police officers, and scientists make invaluable contributions to society compared to sports individuals. These professionals dedicate substantial time and energy to their work, often prioritizing it over personal leisure to advance societal development. However, their incomes are not as competitive as those of sports stars. For instance, the annual revenue of doctors in Kazakhstan is approximately $8,000, whereas each member of the national Kazakhstan football team earns the same amount within six months. Additionally, essential professionals often work year-round with minimal holidays, while athletes can enjoy luxurious rest periods more frequently.

In conclusion, although athletes deserve their earnings due to their skills and dedication, it is unfair when compared to indispensable workers in essential fields. The labor of such professionals should be valued appropriately, ideally receiving compensation higher than that of sports individuals.

Feedback:

1. Task Response: You have addressed the prompt effectively by presenting both views and providing your stance. However, ensure that each paragraph fully develops the ideas with clear examples and explanations.

2. Coherence and Cohesion:

   • Paragraphing: Your essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion.
   • Linking Words: Use a variety of linking words (e.g., furthermore, moreover, however) to enhance the flow of ideas.

3. Lexical Resource:

   • Vocabulary: Demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic (e.g., “disproportionate,” “indispensable,” “rigorously”).
   • Accuracy: Be cautious with word forms and collocations (e.g., “law enforcement” instead of “polices,” “income is” should be “income are” if referring to multiple sources).

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

   • Complex Sentences: Effective use of complex sentence structures.
   • Grammar Errors: Minor errors present (e.g., missing articles, incorrect prepositions). Proofreading can help eliminate these.

5. Clarity and Precision:

   • Ensure that examples are clearly linked to the argument.
   • Avoid repetitive phrases; vary expressions to maintain reader interest.

Potential IELTS Band Score:

Band 6.5 to 7.5

• Task Achievement: Clearly addresses all parts of the task with relevant examples.
• Coherence and Cohesion: Well-organized with logical progression of ideas, though some transitions can be smoother.
• Lexical Resource: Good range of vocabulary with occasional inaccuracies.
• Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Demonstrates a mix of simple and complex structures with few errors.

To aim for a higher band:

• Enhance Vocabulary: Incorporate more sophisticated and precise vocabulary.
• Minimize Errors: Focus on grammatical accuracy through further practice and proofreading.
• Deepen Analysis: Provide more in-depth analysis and varied examples to support your arguments.

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General Tips for IELTS Writing:

1. Understand the Task: Ensure you fully comprehend the question and address all parts of the task prompt.
2. Plan Before Writing: Spend a few minutes outlining your main points to organize your essay logically.
3. Use a Range of Vocabulary and Structures: Demonstrate language proficiency by varying your vocabulary and sentence structures.
4. Stay Clear and Concise: Avoid unnecessary repetition and stay focused on the main argument.
5. Proofread: Allocate time to review your writing for grammatical errors and coherence before submission.

By incorporating these suggestions and continuing to practice, you can enhance the quality of your IELTS writing and achieve your desired band score.

[DiNih.MiKao (Yernur Sabituly)]

bro, you have written your own revised version, while I asked to check my revised version. Okay, here is the my new draft, how would you rate it? Be as strict as possible, and tell whether I have mistakes or not.
DRAFT :
Accomplished sports experts can make much more profit than people in other crucial areas. Some individuals believe that it is totally deserved, whereas others think that this is unjust.
Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe their income isn’t justified when compared to those who work in vital fields.

Professional stars from each kind of sport are earning lots of money. Especially worldwide football players have a salary that we cannot even come up with. They are not only constantly training every day but also risking their lives in public in order to show a magnificent play. We cannot dismiss their efforts; however, considering experts whose contributions are greater in the development of the World, their earnings are quite unfair. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, the most famous person in the world, earns the same amount of money per day like others earn for one month or even a year.

In addition if we consider jobs such as physicians, polices or scientists their contributions to our society is invaluable compared to sports individuals.They spend significant amounts of time and energy working rather than relaxing, dedicating their efforts to the development of the world. However, their income isn’t quite as good as stars in the sports. For example, the annual revenue of the doctors in Kazakhstan is approximately 8000 $, while each member in the national Kazakhstan football team earns the same amount of money for 6 months. Moreover, experts in important aspects are constantly working throughout the whole year having only a few holidays, while athletes can take a rest every day in luxury.

In conclusion, Although athletes deserve their earnings, it is unfair regarding indispensable job owners. Labour of such workers must be valued in an appropriate way, especially higher than sports individuals.
@eudaimon

[sophia]

IELTS Writing Task 2: Essay Review and Evaluation

Thank you for sharing your revised draft. I will provide a detailed, strict assessment of your essay based on the IELTS Writing Band Descriptors, focusing on Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy. I will highlight specific mistakes and provide suggestions for improvement.

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Your Draft:

Accomplished sports experts can make much more profit than people in other crucial areas. Some individuals believe that it is totally deserved, whereas others think that this is unjust.

Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe their income isn’t justified when compared to those who work in vital fields.

Professional stars from each kind of sport are earning lots of money. Especially worldwide football players have a salary that we cannot even come up with. They are not only constantly training every day but also risking their lives in public in order to show a magnificent play. We cannot dismiss their efforts; however, considering experts whose contributions are greater in the development of the World, their earnings are quite unfair. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, the most famous person in the world, earns the same amount of money per day like others earn for one month or even a year.

In addition if we consider jobs such as physicians, polices or scientists their contributions to our society is invaluable compared to sports individuals.They spend significant amounts of time and energy working rather than relaxing, dedicating their efforts to the development of the world. However, their income isn’t quite as good as stars in the sports. For example, the annual revenue of the doctors in Kazakhstan is approximately 8000 $, while each member in the national Kazakhstan football team earns the same amount of money for 6 months. Moreover, experts in important aspects are constantly working throughout the whole year having only a few holidays, while athletes can take a rest every day in luxury.

In conclusion, Although athletes deserve their earnings, it is unfair regarding indispensable job owners. Labour of such workers must be valued in an appropriate way, especially higher than sports individuals.

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1. Task Response

Assessment: Band 6

• Strengths:

  • You have addressed the task by presenting both viewpoints and stating your opinion.
  • Relevant examples (e.g., Cristiano Ronaldo, doctors in Kazakhstan) are provided to support your arguments.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Addressing All Aspects: While you present both sides, the essay leans more towards your opinion without fully exploring the opposing view. To achieve a higher band, ensure a balanced discussion.
  • Clarity of Position: Your stance is clear, but strengthening it with more nuanced arguments can enhance your response.

2. Coherence and Cohesion

Assessment: Band 6

• Strengths:

  • Logical flow of ideas from introduction to conclusion.
  • Appropriate use of linking words like “However,” “For example,” and “Moreover.”

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea. The second body paragraph mixes multiple points (e.g., contributions of professionals and their lower income).
  • Coherence Issues: Some sentences lack clear connections, making the argument less fluid. For instance, the transition between the unfair earnings and specific examples needs smoother linkage.
  • Pronoun Reference: Avoid using pronouns like “they” without clear antecedents to prevent confusion.

3. Lexical Resource

Assessment: Band 6

• Strengths:

  • Good range of vocabulary related to the topic (e.g., “crucial areas,” “invaluable contributions,” “dedicating their efforts”).

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Word Choice Errors:
    • “Profit” vs. “Income”: “Income” is more appropriate when discussing salaries.
    • “Polices”: The correct plural of “police officer” is “police officers.”
    • “Law enforcement” would be a better term.
    • “Revenue” for doctors: “Income” or “earnings” is more suitable than “revenue,” which typically refers to business income.
  • Preposition Misuse:
    • “In the development of the World” should be “in the development of the world” (lowercase “world”).
    • “Higher than sports individuals” could be rephrased for clarity, e.g., “higher than those in sports.”
  • Consistency in Terminology: Alternate between “sports professionals,” “sports individuals,” and “athletes.” Choose one term for consistency.

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy

Assessment: Band 5.5

• Strengths:

  • Usage of complex sentence structures.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Subject-Verb Agreement:
    • “Jobs such as physicians, polices or scientists their contributions to our society is invaluable” should be “their contributions… are invaluable.”
  • Article Usage:
    • “e.g., the contributions” needs appropriate articles.
    • “the national Kazakhstan football team” is acceptable, but “the” can be omitted if context is clear.
  • Punctuation Errors:
    • Missing spaces after periods: “sports individuals.They” should be “sports individuals. They.”
    • Inconsistent use of commas: “In addition if we consider” should be “In addition, if we consider.”
  • Incorrect Word Forms:
    • “Polices” should be “police officers” or **“police.”
    • “Labor” vs. “Labour”: Depending on your variant of English, “labour” (British) or “labor” (American). Ensure consistency.
  • Sentence Fragments and Run-ons:
    • “In conclusion, Although athletes deserve their earnings, it is unfair regarding indispensable job owners.” The comma after “conclusion” and capitalization of “Although” are incorrect.
  • Incorrect Use of “like” versus “as”:
    • “earns the same amount of money per day like others earn” should be “earns the same amount of money per day as others earn.”

Corrected Draft:

Here’s a revised version of your essay incorporating corrections and improvements:

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Accomplished sports experts can earn significantly more income than professionals in other crucial areas. Some individuals believe that such high earnings are entirely justified, whereas others think they are unjust.

Despite the efforts of sports professionals, I believe their income isn’t justified when compared to those who work in vital fields.

Professional stars from various sports earn substantial salaries. Especially, worldwide football players receive earnings that are difficult for the average person to fathom. They are not only constantly training every day but also risking their physical well-being to deliver impressive performances. We cannot dismiss their efforts; however, when considering experts whose contributions are greater to the development of the world, their earnings appear quite unfair. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the most famous individuals in the world, earns the same amount of money per day as others earn in a month or even a year.

In addition, if we consider jobs such as physicians, police officers, or scientists, their contributions to our society are invaluable compared to sports professionals. They spend significant amounts of time and energy working rather than relaxing, dedicating their efforts to the development of the world. However, their income isn’t as substantial as that of sports stars. For example, the annual income of doctors in Kazakhstan is approximately $8,000, while each member of the national Kazakhstan football team earns the same amount within six months. Moreover, professionals in essential fields are constantly working throughout the year with only a few holidays, whereas athletes can enjoy luxurious rest periods more frequently.

In conclusion, although athletes deserve their earnings, it is unfair when compared to indispensable workers in essential job sectors. The labor of such professionals must be valued appropriately, ideally even higher than that of sports individuals.

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Summary of Mistakes and Corrections:

1. Grammar and Agreement:

   • Incorrect: “their contributions to our society is invaluable”
   • Correct: “their contributions to our society are invaluable”

2. Word Choice:

   • Incorrect: “polices”
   • Correct: “police officers” or “police”

3. Punctuation and Capitalization:

   • Incorrect: “sports individuals.They”
   • Correct: “sports individuals. They”

4. Prepositions and Articles:

   • Incorrect: “the development of the World”
   • Correct: “the development of the world”

5. Sentence Structure:

   • Incorrect: “earns the same amount of money per day like others earn”
   • Correct: “earns the same amount of money per day as others earn”

6. Consistency in Terminology:

   • Choice Needed: Use “sports professionals” consistently instead of alternating with “sports individuals” or “athletes.”

7. Numerical and Monetary Formats:

   • Incorrect: “8000 $”
   • Correct: “$8,000”

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Overall IELTS Band Score Estimate: Band 6

Rationale:

• Task Response (6): Addresses the task with relevant examples but lacks depth in exploring opposing views and nuanced arguments.
• Coherence and Cohesion (6): Logical structure with adequate use of linking words but needs improved paragraph organization and smoother transitions.
• Lexical Resource (6): Good range of vocabulary with some inaccuracies and inappropriate word choices.
• Grammatical Range and Accuracy (5.5): Demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentences but contains several grammatical errors that may impede understanding.

Suggestions to Improve:

1. Enhance Grammatical Accuracy:

   • Focus on subject-verb agreement, correct preposition usage, and proper article application.
   • Proofread to eliminate punctuation errors and run-on sentences.

2. Expand Lexical Range:

   • Use more precise and varied vocabulary.
   • Avoid repeating the same words; use synonyms where appropriate.

3. Develop Ideas Further:

   • Provide more in-depth analysis and varied examples.
   • Explore the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly to present a balanced argument.

4. Improve Coherence:

   • Ensure each paragraph has a single clear central idea.
   • Use a variety of cohesive devices to link ideas smoothly.

5. Practice Consistent Terminology:

   • Choose specific terms (e.g., “sports professionals”) and use them consistently throughout the essay.

By addressing these areas, you can enhance the quality of your essay and aim for a higher IELTS band score.

[DiNih.MiKao (Yernur Sabituly)]

DRAFT :
The plans show the scheme of a university’s sports centre at present, and how it will look after reconstruction.

Overall, the sports centre will be completely rebuilt. While some facilities are currently located partially outdoors, everything will have been indoors the University, with the addition of a new pool and other new facilities; however, the main part of the sports centre will remain the same.

Currently, there are two outdoor courts which are located in the west and east part of the main building. They will be destroyed, and the building’s size will be increased three times.
Instead of the courts, in the left-hand side of the building, a leisure pool will be constructed, along with a changing room. If we talk about the east part of the building, a sports hall, two dance studios, with the appropriate changing room will be built.

In addition, a service area, such as a sports shop and a cafe will be added in the main part of the building. The gym, which is located behind the pool, will be lengthened. However, there will be parts left unchanged, such as the swimming pool, changing room next to the swimming pool, and seating which are all located behind the reception.

What do you think about this draft? Provide me with an appropriate score and feeback. What do you think about it? What kind of gramatical mistakes do I have? @eudaimon

[sophia]

IELTS Writing Task 1: Plan Description Evaluation

Thank you for sharing your draft describing the university’s sports centre reconstruction plan. I will provide a detailed evaluation based on the IELTS Writing Task 1 Band Descriptors, focusing on Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy. Additionally, I will highlight specific grammatical mistakes and offer suggestions for improvement.

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Your Draft:

The plans show the scheme of a university’s sports centre at present, and how it will look after reconstruction.

Overall, the sports centre will be completely rebuilt. While some facilities are currently located partially outdoors, everything will have been indoors the University, with the addition of a new pool and other new facilities; however, the main part of the sports centre will remain the same.

Currently, there are two outdoor courts which are located in the west and east part of the main building. They will be destroyed, and the building’s size will be increased three times.

Instead of the courts, in the left-hand side of the building, a leisure pool will be constructed, along with a changing room. If we talk about the east part of the building, a sports hall, two dance studios, with the appropriate changing room will be built.

In addition, a service area, such as a sports shop and a cafe will be added in the main part of the building. The gym, which is located behind the pool, will be lengthened. However, there will be parts left unchanged, such as the swimming pool, changing room next to the swimming pool, and seating which are all located behind the reception.

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1. Task Achievement

Assessment: Band 6

• Strengths:

  • Coverage: You have addressed the main features of the plans, including the demolition of outdoor courts, expansion of the building, addition of new facilities (leisure pool, sports hall, dance studios), and services (sports shop, cafe).
  • Overview: Provided a clear overall summary indicating that the sports centre will be completely rebuilt with more indoor facilities.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Detail and Clarity: While the main changes are mentioned, some details are unclear or could be better organized for clarity. For example, the statement “everything will have been indoors the University” is unclear.
  • Accuracy: Ensure that the description accurately reflects the visual plans. Double-check if all significant changes have been mentioned.

2. Coherence and Cohesion

Assessment: Band 6

• Strengths:

  • Logical Order: Information is presented in a generally logical order, moving from overall changes to specific additions.
  • Use of Linking Words: Utilizes connectors like “Overall,” “While,” “However,” and “In addition,” which help in structuring the response.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Paragraph Structure: Consider dividing the description into more distinct paragraphs, such as separate paragraphs for demolition and new constructions.
  • Referencing: Some pronouns and references are unclear, making it difficult to follow certain points.

3. Lexical Resource

Assessment: Band 6

• Strengths:

  • Vocabulary Range: Demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to describing plans and construction (e.g., “leisure pool,” “changing room,” “service area”).

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Precision: Some word choices are inaccurate or unclear (e.g., “scheme,” “left-hand side”). Use more precise terms like “blueprint” or “layout.”
  • Repetition: Avoid repeating the same words or phrases. For example, “changing room” is mentioned multiple times; consider using synonyms like “locker rooms.”

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy

Assessment: Band 5.5

• Strengths:

  • Complex Sentences: Attempts to use complex sentence structures.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Sentence Structure and Clarity:

    • Incorrect: “everything will have been indoors the University”
    • Correct: “everything will be indoors within the University.”

  • Preposition and Article Usage:

    • Incorrect: “with the addition of a new pool and other new facilities; however, the main part of the sports centre will remain the same.”
    • Correct: “with the addition of a new pool and other facilities; however, the main part of the sports centre will remain unchanged.”

  • Subject-Verb Agreement and Word Order:

    • Incorrect: “If we talk about the east part of the building, a sports hall, two dance studios, with the appropriate changing room will be built.”
    • Correct: “In the east part of the building, a sports hall and two dance studios, along with the appropriate changing rooms, will be constructed.”

  • Punctuation:

    • Incorrect: “a leisure pool will be constructed, along with a changing room.”
    • Correct: “a leisure pool will be constructed along with a changing room.” (remove unnecessary comma)

  • Run-on Sentences and Fragmentation:

    • Some sentences are run-ons or contain fragments, making them difficult to understand.

  • Capitalization and Spelling:

    • Incorrect: “The University”
    • Correct: “the university” (unless it’s part of a proper noun)

  • Miscellaneous Errors:

    • “left unchanged” instead of “left the same”
    • “service area, such as” should be “service areas, such as”

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Revised Draft:

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The plans illustrate the current layout of a university’s sports centre and how it will appear following reconstruction.

Overall, the sports centre will undergo a complete rebuild, transitioning several outdoor facilities indoors. The primary structure will be expanded threefold, featuring new additions such as a leisure pool, a sports hall, dance studios, a sports shop, and a cafe, while some existing parts will remain unchanged.

At present, there are two outdoor courts located on the west and east sides of the main building. These courts will be demolished to make way for the expanded building. In place of the courts, a leisure pool and a changing room will be constructed on the left side of the building. On the east side, a new sports hall and two dance studios, along with their respective changing rooms, will be built.

Additionally, the main part of the building will incorporate service areas, including a sports shop and a cafe, to enhance the user experience. The existing gym, situated behind the pool, will be extended to accommodate more equipment and provide ample space for workouts. However, certain areas, such as the current swimming pool, the adjacent changing room, and the seating area behind the reception, will remain unchanged to preserve the centre’s existing functionality.

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Summary of Grammatical Mistakes and Corrections:

1. Incorrect Preposition Usage:

   • Incorrect: “everything will have been indoors the University”
   • Correct: “everything will be indoors within the university.”

2. Article Usage:

   • Incorrect: “the scheme of a university’s sports centre at present”
   • Correct: “the current layout of the university’s sports centre.”

3. Sentence Structure:

   • Incorrect: “If we talk about the east part of the building, a sports hall, two dance studios, with the appropriate changing room will be built.”
   • Correct: “In the east part of the building, a sports hall and two dance studios, along with their respective changing rooms, will be constructed.”

4. Punctuation Errors:

   • Incorrect: “service area, such as a sports shop and a cafe will be added”
   • Correct: “service areas, such as a sports shop and a cafe, will be added.”

5. Run-on Sentences:

   • Break longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones for better readability.

6. Capitalization:

   • Incorrect: “The University”
   • Correct: “the university” (unless part of a proper noun)

7. Word Choice:

   • Incorrect: “lengthened” when referring to the gym.
   • Correct: “extended” or “expanded.”

8. Consistency and Clarity:

   • Ensure consistent terminology and clear references to different parts of the building to avoid confusion.

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Overall IELTS Band Score Estimate: Band 6

Rationale:

• Task Achievement (6): Addresses the key features of the plans but lacks some detail and clarity in description.
• Coherence and Cohesion (6): Information is logically organized with adequate use of linking words, though paragraphing and referencing can be improved.
• Lexical Resource (6): Uses a suitable range of vocabulary but lacks precision and contains some repetition.
• Grammatical Range and Accuracy (5.5): Demonstrates the ability to use complex structures but has frequent grammatical errors that occasionally impede understanding.

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Suggestions to Improve:

1. Enhance Grammatical Accuracy:

   • Focus on correct preposition usage, article application, and subject-verb agreement.
   • Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into simpler, clearer sentences.

2. Increase Lexical Precision:

   • Use more precise terms related to construction and architectural plans.
   • Avoid repetition by using synonyms where appropriate.

3. Improve Coherence and Structure:

   • Organize the description into distinct paragraphs for better readability.
   • Ensure that each paragraph focuses on specific aspects of the reconstruction (e.g., demolition, new constructions, additions).

4. Detail and Clarity:

   • Provide clear and detailed descriptions of each change to ensure the reader fully understands the planned transformations.
   • Double-check that all significant changes from the plans are accurately described.

5. Practice Consistent Terminology:

   • Use consistent terms when referring to different facilities to maintain clarity throughout the description.

By addressing these areas, you can enhance the quality of your Task 1 response and aim for a higher band score.

[DiNih.MiKao (Yernur Sabituly)]

The plans show the blueprint of a university’s sports centre at present, and how it will look after reconstruction.

Overall, the sports centre will be completely rebuilt. While some facilities are currently outdoors, everything will be moved indoors, with the addition of a new pool and other facilities; however, the main part of the sports centre will remain unchanged.

Currently, there are two outdoor courts which are located in the west and east part of the main building. They will be destroyed, and the building’s size will be increased three times.
Instead of the courts, in the left-hand side of the building, a leisure pool will be constructed along with a changing room. In the east part of the building, a sports hall and two dance studios, along with their respective changing rooms, will be constructed.

In addition, service areas, such as a sports shop and a cafe will be added in the main part of the building. The gym, which is located behind the pool, will be expanded. However, there will be parts left unchanged, such as the swimming pool, changing room next to the swimming pool, and seating which are all located behind the reception.

What about this version? How would you rate it? How much is it different from another one?

[sophia]

IELTS Writing Task 1: Revised Description Evaluation

Thank you for sharing your revised draft regarding the university’s sports centre reconstruction plan. I will evaluate this version based on the IELTS Writing Task 1 Band Descriptors, focusing on Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy. Additionally, I will compare it to your previous version to highlight improvements and remaining areas for enhancement.

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Your Revised Draft:

The plans show the blueprint of a university’s sports centre at present, and how it will look after reconstruction.

Overall, the sports centre will be completely rebuilt. While some facilities are currently outdoors, everything will be moved indoors, with the addition of a new pool and other facilities; however, the main part of the sports centre will remain unchanged.

Currently, there are two outdoor courts which are located in the west and east part of the main building. They will be destroyed, and the building’s size will be increased three times.

Instead of the courts, in the left-hand side of the building, a leisure pool will be constructed along with a changing room. In the east part of the building, a sports hall and two dance studios, along with their respective changing rooms, will be constructed.

In addition, service areas, such as a sports shop and a cafe will be added in the main part of the building. The gym, which is located behind the pool, will be expanded. However, there will be parts left unchanged, such as the swimming pool, changing room next to the swimming pool, and seating which are all located behind the reception.

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1. Task Achievement

Assessment: Band 6.5

• Strengths:

  • Comprehensive Coverage: The revised draft effectively covers the main features of the reconstruction plans, including demolition of outdoor courts, expansion of the building, addition of new facilities (leisure pool, sports hall, dance studios), and new service areas (sports shop, cafe).
  • Clear Overview: The overview succinctly summarizes the primary changes, indicating that most outdoor facilities will be moved indoors and that the main part of the sports centre remains unchanged.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Detail Accuracy: While the main changes are addressed, some minor details from the original plans might still be missing or could be further clarified for completeness.
  • Quantitative Data: If the original plans include specific figures or dimensions (e.g., exact size increase), incorporating them can enhance the Task Achievement score.

2. Coherence and Cohesion

Assessment: Band 7

• Strengths:

  • Logical Flow: The information is organized logically, moving from overall changes to specific additions and modifications.
  • Effective Linking Devices: Use of connectors like “While,” “However,” and “In addition” helps in maintaining coherence.
  • Paragraphing: The description is well-divided into paragraphs, each focusing on different aspects of the reconstruction.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Referencing: Ensure that all references (e.g., “left-hand side,” “east part”) are consistent and clear to avoid any ambiguity. Using directional terms uniformly can enhance clarity.

3. Lexical Resource

Assessment: Band 7

• Strengths:

  • Varied Vocabulary: Demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to construction and facilities (e.g., “blueprint,” “leisure pool,” “service areas,” “constructed”).
  • Appropriate Word Choice: Words like “expanded,” “demolished,” and “expanded” are used accurately to describe changes.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Precision and Variety: While the vocabulary is adequate, further variety can be introduced to avoid slight repetitions. For example, instead of repeating “constructed,” alternatives like “built” or “established” could be used.
  • Preposition Usage: Minor improvements in prepositional phrases can enhance the description (e.g., “on the left-hand side of the building” instead of “in the left-hand side”).

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy

Assessment: Band 6.5

• Strengths:

  • Complex Sentences: Utilizes complex sentence structures effectively, which adds variety to the writing.
  • Grammatical Structures: Demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures relevant to descriptive writing.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Punctuation:
    • Comma Placement: Ensure commas are correctly placed to separate clauses. For example:
      • Incorrect: “service areas, such as a sports shop and a cafe will be added…”
      • Correct: “service areas, such as a sports shop and a cafe, will be added…”
  • Article Usage:
    • Consistency: Ensure the correct use of articles (“a,” “the”) to improve grammatical accuracy. For instance:
      • “a leisure pool will be constructed along with a changing room” could be “a leisure pool and a changing room will be constructed.”
  • Preposition Consistency:
    • Examples:
      • “left-hand side” should be consistently used as “left side” or “left-hand side” throughout.
  • Minor Errors:
    • Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure all subjects and verbs agree in number.
    • Clarity in Sentences: Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into shorter, clearer sentences where necessary.

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Comparison with Previous Version:

Improvements Made:

1. Clarity and Precision:

   • The revised version offers clearer descriptions of the changes, specifying locations (e.g., “left-hand side of the building”) and the nature of new constructions.

2. Logical Organization:

   • Improved paragraphing and logical flow make the description easier to follow.

3. Vocabulary Enhancement:

   • Introduction of more specific terms like “blueprint” and “service areas” enriches the lexical resource.

4. Grammatical Corrections:

   • Addressed several grammatical inaccuracies from the previous version, resulting in a more polished and accurate description.

Remaining Differences and Areas to Address:

• Detail Expansion: While the revised version is more comprehensive, ensuring all significant changes from the original plans are included can further enhance Task Achievement.

• Grammatical Refinement: Continuing to refine punctuation and prepositional phrases will improve grammatical accuracy.

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Revised Draft with Minor Corrections:

The plans show the blueprint of a university’s sports centre at present and how it will look after reconstruction.

Overall, the sports centre will be completely rebuilt. While some facilities are currently outdoors, everything will be moved indoors, with the addition of a new pool and other facilities; however, the main part of the sports centre will remain unchanged.

Currently, there are two outdoor courts located on the west and east sides of the main building. These courts will be demolished, and the building’s size will be increased threefold.

In place of the courts, on the left-hand side of the building, a leisure pool and a changing room will be constructed. In the east part of the building, a sports hall and two dance studios, along with their respective changing rooms, will be built.

In addition, service areas, such as a sports shop and a cafe, will be added to the main part of the building. The gym, which is located behind the pool, will be expanded. However, certain parts will remain unchanged, such as the swimming pool, the changing room next to the swimming pool, and the seating area behind the reception.

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Overall IELTS Band Score Estimate: Band 7

Rationale:

• Task Achievement (6.5): The revised draft effectively addresses all main features of the reconstruction plan with adequate detail. Further expansion on specific changes can push this higher.

• Coherence and Cohesion (7): The information is well-organized with clear paragraphing and effective use of linking devices, enhancing the overall flow.

• Lexical Resource (7): Demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with appropriate word choices. Introducing more variety and precision can further strengthen this area.

• Grammatical Range and Accuracy (6.5): Shows a solid command of grammatical structures with minor errors that do not impede understanding. Continued focus on punctuation and prepositional accuracy is recommended.

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Suggestions for Further Improvement:

1. Enhance Detail and Specificity:

   • Incorporate any additional specific details from the original plans, such as exact measurements, materials to be used, or timelines for reconstruction if available.

2. Refine Grammatical Accuracy:

   • Pay careful attention to comma placement and prepositional phrases to eliminate minor grammatical errors.

3. Diversify Vocabulary:

   • Introduce more synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition and demonstrate a broader lexical range.

4. Ensure Consistent Referencing:

   • Maintain uniform terminology when referring to different parts of the building to prevent any ambiguity.

5. Proofread for Minor Errors:

   • Conduct a thorough review to catch and correct any remaining minor mistakes in sentence structure or word usage.

By implementing these suggestions, you can further enhance the quality of your Task 1 response, potentially achieving a higher band score.