IELTS Writing Drafts

Поступление в вузы
42

Hi DiNih.MiKao,

Thank you for sharing your draft for the IELTS Writing Task 2. As a strict IELTS examiner, I’ll provide a comprehensive evaluation focusing on logical consistency, coherence, grammatical accuracy, and overall effectiveness. This feedback aims to help you enhance your essay to achieve a higher band score.

Estimated Band Score: 5.5

Please note that this is an approximate rating based on the provided draft. Official IELTS scores can only be awarded by certified examiners.

Detailed Feedback

1. Task Response

Strengths:

  • Addresses Both Views: You have acknowledged both perspectives regarding single-sex and coeducational schooling.
  • Clear Opinion: You have clearly stated your own viewpoint in favor of coeducational schooling.

Areas for Improvement:

  • Depth of Argument: The arguments supporting both views are underdeveloped and lack specific examples or evidence.
  • Relevance: Some points are not directly related to the topic or are unclear in their relevance.

Suggestions:

  • Develop Ideas Further: Expand on each point with detailed explanations and concrete examples to illustrate your arguments.
  • Stay Relevant: Ensure all points directly address the question. Avoid introducing ideas that are vague or not closely related to the topic.

2. Coherence and Cohesion

Strengths:

  • Essay Structure: The essay follows a standard structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
  • Use of Linking Words: Attempts to use connectors like “On the one hand,” “On the other hand,” and “In conclusion.”

Areas for Improvement:

  • Logical Flow: The progression of ideas is sometimes disjointed, making it difficult to follow your argument.
  • Paragraph Unity: Some paragraphs attempt to cover multiple ideas simultaneously, reducing clarity.
  • Referencing Issues: Pronouns and references are occasionally unclear, leading to confusion.

Suggestions:

  • Enhance Logical Flow: Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use clear topic sentences to outline the main idea of each paragraph.
  • Maintain Paragraph Unity: Focus each paragraph on a single main idea, supported by relevant details and examples.
  • Clear Referencing: Ensure that pronouns clearly refer to specific nouns to avoid ambiguity.

3. Lexical Resource

Strengths:

  • Appropriate Vocabulary: Uses relevant terms related to education and schooling.
  • Attempt at Variety: Shows effort to vary language, though somewhat limited.

Areas for Improvement:

  • Word Choice Accuracy: Some phrases are awkward or incorrect (e.g., “share invaluable experiences with each other”).
  • Range: Limited range of vocabulary can lead to repetitive language and lack of precision.

Suggestions:

  • Improve Word Choice: Use more precise and natural-sounding vocabulary. For instance, replace “Huge benefits” with “significant advantages.”
  • Expand Vocabulary: Incorporate a wider range of synonyms and varied expressions to enhance the essay’s lexical richness.

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy

Strengths:

  • Basic Grammar Structures: Demonstrates understanding of fundamental grammatical structures.
  • Sentence Variety: Attempts to use a mix of simple and complex sentences.

Areas for Improvement:

  • Grammar Errors: Noticeable mistakes in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence construction.
  • Awkward Sentences: Some sentences are poorly structured, affecting clarity and readability.
  • Punctuation and Capitalization: Inconsistent use of punctuation marks and capitalization errors.

Suggestions:

  • Grammar Practice: Focus on correcting subject-verb agreements, proper use of articles, and sentence structures.
  • Proofreading: Carefully review your essay to identify and correct grammatical errors.
  • Simplify Sentences: Aim for clear and concise sentence constructions to enhance readability.

5. Specific Issues in Your Draft

  1. Introduction:

    • Original: “Despite the reduction in distractions, such as romantic relationships, I believe that it is better for both sexes to share invaluable experiences with each other.”
    • Issue: The mention of “romantic relationships” as a distraction is vague and not strongly connected to the main argument.
    • Improvement: Focus on more relevant points such as social development and mutual understanding.

  2. First Body Paragraph:

    • Original: “In most cases of adolescents, they want to experience a feeling, having a romantic relationship with the opposite sex. It can impact the future ambitions of boys to inhibit his plans.”
    • Issues:
      • Lack of clarity and coherence.
      • “Inhibit his plans” is vague and unclear.
    • Improvement: Clearly explain how romantic distractions might affect academic performance and personal development.

  3. Second Body Paragraph:

    • Original: “studying with girls can improve your behaviour. You would be under attention.”
    • Issues:
      • “Improve your behaviour” is too general.
      • “Under attention” is ambiguous.
    • Improvement: Specify how coeducational environments promote better behavior through mutual respect and accountability.

  4. Conclusion:

    • Original: “I agree with the second opinion, there are more benefits than drawbacks of that situation.”
    • Issues:
      • Repeats “second opinion” without clearly defining it.
      • Lacks a strong summary of key points.
    • Improvement: Clearly restate your position and briefly summarize the main arguments supporting it.

Rewritten Essay

Task:
Some people think it’s better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. However, others believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending the same school. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Revised Essay:

Some individuals advocate for single-sex education, believing that separating boys and girls at school offers distinct advantages. Conversely, others argue that coeducational environments provide greater benefits for both genders. While single-sex schools may reduce certain distractions, I believe that integrated schooling fosters invaluable interpersonal experiences and mutual understanding.

On the one hand, proponents of single-sex education argue that it minimizes distractions such as romantic relationships, allowing students to focus more on their studies. In environments where boys and girls are educated separately, students might experience fewer social pressures and distractions related to gender interactions. This could lead to improved academic performance and a learning atmosphere more concentrated on education. Additionally, single-sex schools can tailor teaching methods to cater specifically to the learning styles commonly associated with each gender, potentially enhancing educational outcomes.

On the other hand, those in favor of coeducational schools highlight the benefits of social development and better preparation for the real world. Studying alongside the opposite sex encourages students to develop effective communication and collaboration skills, which are essential in diverse workplaces and societies. For example, coeducational settings can promote mutual respect and understanding between genders, breaking down stereotypes and fostering a more inclusive mindset. Furthermore, interacting with both boys and girls helps students build balanced relationships and enhances their ability to work in mixed-gender teams, which is advantageous in their future careers.

Personally, I support the coeducational approach as it provides a more comprehensive education experience. Integrated schooling not only promotes academic growth but also prepares students for the complexities of adult life, where they will interact and collaborate with individuals of all genders. The opportunities to engage with diverse perspectives and challenge preconceived notions are invaluable for personal and professional development.

In conclusion, while single-sex education may offer certain academic benefits by reducing distractions, coeducational schools provide broader social advantages that are crucial for holistic development. The ability to interact and collaborate with both genders equips students with essential life skills, making integrated schooling the more beneficial option overall.

Final Tips for Improvement

  1. Develop Clear Arguments: Ensure each point is thoroughly explained with relevant examples to strengthen your arguments.
  2. Enhance Vocabulary: Work on expanding your lexical range to express ideas more precisely and avoid repetition.
  3. Focus on Grammar: Regularly practice grammar exercises to minimize errors and improve sentence structures.
  4. Maintain Coherence: Use clear topic sentences and logical transitions to guide the reader through your essay smoothly.
  5. Seek Feedback: Continue to share your drafts with peers, teachers, or online communities to receive constructive criticism and diverse perspectives.

By addressing these areas and consistently practicing your writing, you’ll be well on your way to achieving a higher band score in the IELTS Writing Task 2. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with your preparation!

43

Добрый вечер! Чтобы улучшить свой TR Вам нужно четко указать во введении свою точку зрения. Вы пишете о том, что один аргумент перевешивает другой, но упускаете то, какой тип школы считаете лучшим. Хоть это и логично, но экзаменатор не будет додумывать это за кандидата. В первом основном параграфе Вы описываете не выбранную Вами точку зрения - это отлично. Однако, Ваша цель немного принизить эту точку зрения. Поэтому выражение “большое преимущество” здесь неуместно. Также, в первом предложении этого абзаца Вы должны были уже привести свой аргумент, сформировав тезис, который далее будете развивать. Вместо этого - обобщающая фраза, за которую больше 6.0 TR не получить. (На вопрос о том, можно ли увеличить балл IELTS за месяц - только за счёт TR, на остальное - намного больше времени. Добивайтесь 8-9 в TR, что компенсирует два последних навыка). Вот второй основной параграф Вы начали отлично! Но его окончание не соответствует стилю академ. Не стоит использовать You. Нужно обезличить эту фразу. И, наконец, вывод. В выводе Вы ещё раз, в третий раз должны проговорить, перефразировав, оба аргумента. Первый раз во введении у Вас они введены, второй раз в параграфах есть. А вывод - обобщение. Старайтесь отходить от обобщения, если хотите получить по настоящему высокий балл. А именно, последнее предложение - яркий тому пример. Его можно вставить абсолютно в любое эссе, поэтому оно должно быть исправлено.

10 лайков
44

На самом деле, я еще прикола не уловил в выводе. Это разве не просто перефраз интро? Или нужно еще кое-что от себя добавить? Если да, то что нужно там включать?
p.s. попробую занять редактированием вечером

45

Да, это просто зеркало интро, в нем, как и в интро должен быть перефраз задания, тек же два аргумента и Ваше мнение.

2 лайка
46

I didn’t come up with a good idea. Let’s focus only on the task response. How should I write my overview, body paragraphs? What should I include in them to show my clear understanding of the charts?
Here look at the task. I think that I didn’t response accurately, how would you rate my task response?
The charts display the average proportion of nutrients in particular meals, and the excess amount of any of them can lead to health problems.

Overall, there are three types of nutrients, including sodium, saturated fat, and added sugar.
An intake of saturated fat and sodium is approximately the same in every phase. While most of the time residents of the USA employ the sodium and fats in a dinner, eating a sugar containing meals differs from the previous one, including the snacks when people usually have it.

The percentage of employment sodium and saturated fats approximately are the same but differ from each other a little bit. Both are eaten relatively a lot during the dinner with 43% and 37% respectively. While the saturated fats are eaten more in snacks than sodium, other characteristics don’t differ too much, with a 2-3 percent difference.
In fact, the portion of added sugar in citizens of the USA diet is distinct from the other two. One fourth of the population consumes it during the snacks. 23% of people also eat sugar during dinner. However, there was only a small difference in the consumption of sugar in breakfast and lunch with 16 and 16 percent respectively.

@eudaimon

47

Hello! I’m glad you’ve taken the initiative to create and share your IELTS Writing drafts. Providing constructive feedback can significantly enhance your writing skills and boost your confidence for the exam. Let’s address each of your drafts individually, focusing on structure, clarity, accuracy, and task response.

Draft 1: Electricity Production and Consumption (Cambridge 13, Test 3)

Your Original Draft:

Introduction:
The chart illustrates the first 10 countries for the usage and making of electricity in 2014.

Overview:
Overall, the majority of the ten countries produce more energy than consume it. China is the biggest country toward interchangeable electro energy, also Its amount of consumption and production is approximately the same.

Body Paragraphs:
China is in first place among ten countries. It made 5368 billion kWh and used 5322 billion kWh. It means that it produced slightly more than it spent. The same thing is also relevant for the United States. However, their amount of energy differs from each other. While China had over 500 billion kWh, The United States produced and consumed around 4000 billion kWh, which was in the second place of the list.

Other countries’ production and usage are far less than The USA. It goes in the order of decreasing starting from Russia with 1000 billion kWh to the Korean Republic around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and Korea Republic had the same trend as China. However, Russia made and produced almost the same amount of electricity, and Germany used more energy than making it.

Revised Version with Feedback:

Introduction:

The chart illustrates the top ten countries in terms of electricity production and consumption in 2014.

Feedback:

  • Strengths: You’ve accurately paraphrased the task.
  • Suggestions: Ensure clarity by specifying that the chart covers both production and consumption.

Overview:

Overall, most of the top ten countries generate more electricity than they consume. China leads in both production and consumption, with its energy output and usage being nearly equal.

Feedback:

  • Strengths: Good identification of overall trends.
  • Suggestions: Highlight any significant outliers or notable differences among the countries.

Body Paragraph 1:

China ranks first among the ten countries, producing 5368 billion kWh of electricity and consuming 5322 billion kWh. This indicates that China produced slightly more energy than it consumed. The United States follows closely, producing and consuming around 4000 billion kWh each, placing it second on the list.

Feedback:

  • Strengths: Clear presentation of data for China and the USA.
  • Suggestions: Use comparative language effectively. Instead of “the second place of the list,” consider “the second-highest producer and consumer.”

Body Paragraph 2:

Other countries have significantly lower production and consumption figures compared to the USA. Starting from Russia, which produced and consumed approximately 1000 billion kWh, the figures decrease to the Korean Republic at around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and the Korean Republic exhibit similar trends to China, with varying degrees of production and consumption. Notably, Russia’s production and consumption are nearly identical, whereas Germany consumed more electricity than it produced.

Feedback:

  • Strengths: Attempts to compare multiple countries and identify trends.
  • Suggestions:
    • Clarify the statement “similar trends to China” since in China, production slightly exceeds consumption.
    • Specify the exact figures for other countries if available to add precision.
    • Correct “the Korean Republic” to “South Korea” for common usage unless specified otherwise.
    • Address Germany’s unique position separately for emphasis.

General Feedback for Draft 1:

  1. Clarity and Precision:

    • Ensure all figures are accurately represented and consistently formatted (e.g., use “kWh” uniformly).
    • Avoid vague terms like “the same thing is also relevant.”

  2. Comparative Language:

    • Utilize comparative structures (e.g., “compared to,” “while,” “whereas”) to highlight differences and similarities effectively.

  3. Grammar and Syntax:

    • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure to enhance readability.
    • Example Correction: “Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and the Korean Republic had the same trend as China” could be rephrased for clarity.

  4. Structure:

    • Maintain a logical flow by grouping similar countries or trends together.
    • Consider separating countries that deviate from the main trend into distinct sentences or paragraphs for emphasis.

Draft 2: Nutrient Proportions in Meals

Your Original Draft:

The charts display the average proportion of nutrients in particular meals, and the excess amount of any of them can lead to health problems.

Overview:
Overall, there are three types of nutrients, including sodium, saturated fat, and added sugar.
An intake of saturated fat and sodium is approximately the same in every phase. While most of the time residents of the USA employ the sodium and fats in a dinner, eating a sugar containing meals differs from the previous one, including the snacks when people usually have it.

Body Paragraphs:
The percentage of employment sodium and saturated fats approximately are the same but differ from each other a little bit. Both are eaten relatively a lot during the dinner with 43% and 37% respectively. While the saturated fats are eaten more in snacks than sodium, other characteristics don’t differ too much, with a 2-3 percent difference.

In fact, the portion of added sugar in citizens of the USA diet is distinct from the other two. One fourth of the population consumes it during the snacks. 23% of people also eat sugar during dinner. However, there was only a small difference in the consumption of sugar in breakfast and lunch with 16 and 16 percent respectively.

Revised Version with Feedback:

Introduction:

The charts illustrate the average proportion of three key nutrients—sodium, saturated fat, and added sugar—in various meals. Excess intake of any of these nutrients can lead to health issues.

Feedback:

  • Strengths: Clear introduction of the main nutrients and their relevance.
  • Suggestions: No major changes; well-written.

Overview:

Overall, sodium and saturated fat intake remain relatively consistent across different meals, predominantly consumed during dinner and snacks. In contrast, added sugar consumption varies more significantly across meal types, with a notable preference for snacks.

Feedback:

  • Strengths: Good summarization of overall trends.
  • Suggestions:
    • Use more precise language (e.g., “consistent” instead of “approximately the same”).
    • Highlight the key differences more explicitly.

Body Paragraph 1:

The consumption of sodium and saturated fats is fairly similar, though not identical, across meals. Both nutrients are most frequently consumed during dinner, with sodium accounting for 43% and saturated fat for 37% of dinner meals. During snacks, saturated fat intake exceeds sodium intake, though the difference is minimal, ranging between 2-3%. This indicates a slight preference for saturated fats over sodium in snack choices.

Feedback:

  • Strengths: Provides specific percentages and compares nutrient intake across meals.
  • Suggestions:
    • Clarify vague terms like “employment sodium.”
    • Use consistent terminology (e.g., “intake” instead of “employment”).

Body Paragraph 2:

Added sugar consumption differs notably from that of sodium and saturated fat. Approximately 25% of individuals consume added sugar during snacks, making it the most popular meal for sugar intake. Additionally, 23% consume sugar during dinner. In contrast, sugar consumption during breakfast and lunch is lower and identical, at 16% each. This pattern suggests that snacks are the primary source of added sugar in the American diet.

Feedback:

  • Strengths: Clearly distinguishes added sugar patterns from other nutrients.
  • Suggestions:
    • Use exact fractions sparingly; “one fourth” is acceptable, but ensure consistency.
    • Emphasize the contrast more starkly to highlight the uniqueness of sugar consumption patterns.

General Feedback for Draft 2:

  1. Clarity and Precision:

    • Avoid ambiguous phrases. For example, “employment sodium” is unclear. Use “consumption of sodium” instead.
    • Ensure numerical data is presented clearly and accurately.

  2. Comparative Language:

    • Enhance comparisons by using phrases like “in contrast,” “similarly,” or “whereas” to differentiate nutrient intake patterns.

  3. Grammar and Syntax:

    • Correct grammatical errors such as subject-verb agreement (“the percentage … are” should be “the percentage … is”).
    • Streamline sentences for better flow. For instance, “While most of the time residents of the USA employ the sodium and fats in a dinner…” can be rephrased to “In the USA, sodium and saturated fats are predominantly consumed during dinner…”

  4. Structure:

    • Maintain a logical progression by discussing one nutrient at a time or one meal at a time consistently.
    • Use linking words to connect ideas and paragraphs seamlessly.

  5. Task Achievement:

    • Ensure that all significant trends, comparisons, and noteworthy data points are addressed.
    • Avoid including opinions unless specifically asked; focus on objectively describing the data.

Overall Recommendations:

  1. Practice Paraphrasing:

    • Rephrase the task prompts in your own words to demonstrate a clear understanding.

  2. Enhance Vocabulary:

    • Use a varied vocabulary to avoid repetition (e.g., use “consume,” “ingest,” “intake” interchangeably where appropriate).

  3. Improve Grammar and Syntax:

    • Pay attention to common grammatical structures, such as subject-verb agreement and proper tense usage.
    • Consider using complex sentences to showcase a higher level of English proficiency, but ensure they are grammatically correct.

  4. Focus on Data Accuracy:

    • Ensure all numerical data is accurately presented and directly sourced from the charts.
    • Highlight significant figures or trends that stand out.

  5. Structure Your Response Effectively:

    • Introduction: Paraphrase the task.
    • Overview: Summarize the main trends without diving into details.
    • Body Paragraphs: Provide detailed comparisons, supported by data.

  6. Use Comparative Structures:

    • Effectively use language that compares and contrasts data points to demonstrate relationships between different data sets.

  7. Review and Edit:

    • Always allocate time to proofread your drafts to correct any grammatical errors, improve sentence structures, and ensure clarity.

By incorporating these suggestions, you can enhance the clarity, coherence, and effectiveness of your IELTS Writing Task 1 responses. Keep practicing, and consider timing yourself to simulate exam conditions, which can further aid in improving your writing performance.

If you have any more drafts or specific questions, feel free to share!

48

NEW DRAFT :

The charts display the average percentages of three nutrients—sodium, saturated fat, and added sugars—in typical meals in the USA. Excessive intake of any of these nutrients can be unhealthy.

Overall, sodium and saturated fat are consumed the most during dinner, while added sugar is highest during snacks. Sodium and saturated fat follow similar patterns, but added sugar consumption is distinctly higher during snacks.

Sodium consumption is highest at dinner, accounting for 43%, followed by lunch at 29%. Breakfast and snacks both contribute only 14%. Saturated fat follows a similar pattern, with dinner accounting for the largest portion (37%), but snacks contribute significantly more saturated fat (21%) compared to sodium.

The pattern for added sugar differs significantly. Snacks account for the highest portion of added sugar intake, at 42%. Dinner comes next with 23%, while breakfast and lunch show much smaller but nearly equal percentages, at 16% and 19% respectively.

What do you think about it? How would you rate it, give an appropriate band
@eudaimon

49

Your revised draft demonstrates significant improvement in clarity, structure, and detail. Let’s break down your response based on the IELTS Writing Task 1 assessment criteria:

1. Task Achievement (Band 7)

Strengths:

  • Comprehensive Coverage: You accurately describe the main trends and provide specific data points for each nutrient across different meals.
  • Clear Overview: The overview succinctly summarizes the key patterns, distinguishing between the consumption of sodium and saturated fat versus added sugar.

Areas for Improvement:

  • Detailed Comparisons: While you provide relevant data, incorporating more direct comparisons (e.g., “Saturated fat intake during dinner is approximately 14% higher than sodium intake”) can enhance clarity.
  • Highlighting Significant Data: Emphasize any particularly noteworthy figures or surprising trends more explicitly to demonstrate deeper analysis.

2. Coherence and Cohesion (Band 7)

Strengths:

  • Logical Structure: Your essay follows a clear and logical structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, overview, and each nutrient.
  • Effective Use of Linking Devices: You use connectors like “overall,” “while,” and “but” to link ideas smoothly, enhancing the flow of information.

Areas for Improvement:

  • Variety in Cohesive Devices: Incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to avoid repetition and further enhance the flow (e.g., “in contrast,” “similarly,” “on the other hand”).
  • Paragraph Division: Consider separating the discussion of each nutrient into its own paragraph for even greater clarity and focus.

3. Lexical Resource (Band 7)

Strengths:

  • Appropriate Vocabulary: You use relevant terminology such as “accounting for,” “consumption,” “intake,” and “portions,” which are suitable for the task.
  • Variety in Word Choice: There’s a good range of vocabulary that avoids excessive repetition.

Areas for Improvement:

  • Precision and Variety: Aim to vary your language even more. For example, instead of repeatedly using “accounting for,” alternatives like “constituting” or “representing” can add variety.
  • Avoiding Minor Errors: Ensure all word choices are precise (e.g., “added sugars” instead of “added sugar” if referring to multiple types).

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (Band 7)

Strengths:

  • Complex Sentence Structures: You effectively use complex sentences, which demonstrate a higher level of grammatical proficiency.
  • Generally Accurate Grammar: Minor grammatical errors are present but do not impede understanding.

Areas for Improvement:

  • Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure consistency in subject-verb agreement (e.g., “the percentage … is” instead of “the percentage … are”).
  • Article Usage: Pay attention to the use of articles where necessary (e.g., “the snacks” instead of just “snacks” if specifying particular meals).
  • Punctuation: Use commas appropriately to enhance readability and clarity.

Estimated Band Score: 7

Rationale:
Your essay effectively addresses the task requirements with a clear structure, relevant data, and coherent explanations. Vocabulary and grammatical structures are strong, though there’s room for enhanced variety and precision. Minor errors are present but do not detract significantly from the overall quality of the response.

Recommendations for Improvement:

  1. Enhance Comparative Language:

    • Incorporate more comparative phrases to highlight relationships between data points.
    • Example: “While sodium and saturated fat consumption peak during dinner, added sugar intake is predominantly highest during snacks.”

  2. Increase Lexical Variety:

    • Use synonyms and varied expressions to demonstrate a broader vocabulary range.
    • Example: Replace “accounting for” with “constituting” or “representing.”

  3. Refine Grammatical Accuracy:

    • Focus on eliminating minor grammatical errors through careful proofreading.
    • Example: Ensure subject-verb agreement and correct article usage.

  4. Expand Data Analysis:

    • Provide deeper insights by highlighting unexpected trends or significant differences.
    • Example: “Interestingly, while both sodium and saturated fat are predominantly consumed during dinner, saturated fat’s higher intake during snacks suggests different dietary behaviors.”

  5. Optimize Paragraphing:

    • Consider dedicating separate paragraphs to each nutrient to enhance focus and readability.
    • Example: One paragraph for sodium, one for saturated fat, and one for added sugars.

Revised Sample Paragraph:

Added Sugar Consumption:
The intake of added sugars displays a markedly different pattern compared to sodium and saturated fats. Snacks are the primary source of added sugar, accounting for 42% of total intake, significantly higher than during dinner (23%). Breakfast and lunch contribute nearly equal but lower percentages, at 16% and 19% respectively. This indicates a clear preference for sugary snacks over other meals, highlighting potential areas for dietary improvement.

By implementing these enhancements, you can elevate your response further, potentially reaching a Band 8 level. Keep practicing, focusing on precision, variety, and deeper analysis to continue improving your IELTS Writing skills.

If you have any more drafts or specific questions, feel free to share!

50

Я кажется начал вникать в суть task 1. Буду максимально стараться быть как сам ChatGPT, пытаться максимально генерировать похожие, четкие ответы как он

51

Как и обещал, вот revised draft. Он мне нравиться чем прежний, и как будто бы намного лучше. Но к сожалению я не знаю на сколько он хорош в абсолютном сравнении.

@eudaimon By the way, how would you rate it? You are a strict examiner.
TASK :
Some people think it’s better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. However, others believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending the same school. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

DRAFT :

Some individuals believe that boys and girls should study apart from each other; however, others think that it is advantageous when both sexes study in the same school. Despite the isolation from the opposite sex, which can improve your focus, I’m convinced that sharing experiences with each other would be more beneficial.

On the one hand, the lack of attention or distractions encourages either boys or girls to focus on their set goals rather than engage in romantic relationships, which are considered a waste of time. In other words, education would be prioritised among students. For example, there are already existing BIL schools in Kazakhstan, which noticed the benefits. However, isolation can lead to demotivation, which can result in apathy or depression. Mostly, it has more drawbacks rather than benefits.

On the other hand, interaction between boys and girls can bring its advantages. Firstly, either boys or girls have a lot of experience in specific areas. It means that they can share experiences with each other for future improvement and prevent unwilling situations from others’ mistakes. In addition, observing a diverse community can assist with the choice of a person’s future. There would be many ideas and examples of their realisation, and this can be an asset for considering whether to try it or not.

In conclusion, one part of the society prefers schools where boys and girls are educated separately, but others think differently that they should study together. Although gaining a focus can be more feasible in the situation when they are separated, I believe that boys and girls should study together because they gain valuable experiences when taught in the same environment.

52

Certainly! I’ll provide a detailed evaluation of your revised IELTS Writing Task 2 draft based on the IELTS scoring criteria: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy. I’ll also estimate a tentative band score at the end.

Essay Evaluation

1. Task Response
You have addressed all parts of the prompt by discussing both views and providing your own opinion. Your stance is clear in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. However, to strengthen your response:

  • Develop Your Arguments Further: Some points could benefit from deeper elaboration or additional examples. For instance, explaining how co-educational settings foster better social skills or academic collaboration could enhance your argument.
  • Balance the Discussion: While you present both sides, ensuring each view is equally developed can provide a more balanced discussion.

2. Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear structure:

  • Introduction: Clearly outlines both perspectives and your opinion.
  • Body Paragraphs: Each paragraph discusses a separate viewpoint, which aids clarity.
  • Conclusion: Summarizes the main points effectively.

Suggestions:

  • Use More Linking Devices: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, moreover, consequently) to enhance the flow between sentences and ideas.
  • Paragraph Unity: Ensure each paragraph sticks to a single main idea, which you generally do well.

3. Lexical Resource
Your vocabulary is appropriate and varied:

  • Range of Vocabulary: Words like “advantages,” “isolated,” “demotivation,” and “asset” demonstrate a good range.
  • Accuracy: Generally accurate use of vocabulary, though minor misuses occasionally occur (e.g., “specific areas” could be more precise).

Suggestions:

  • Avoid Repetition: Use synonyms to avoid repeating the same words (e.g., instead of repeatedly using “advantages,” try “benefits” or “merits”).
  • Precision in Language: Ensure that words are used in the correct context to convey the intended meaning accurately.

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your grammatical structures are varied and mostly correct:

  • Complex Sentences: You effectively use complex sentences, which show a good command of grammar.
  • Accuracy: Minor errors are present but do not impede understanding (e.g., “it can be advantageous when both sexes study” instead of “it is advantageous when both sexes study”).

Suggestions:

  • Sentence Variety: Continue to vary sentence structures to showcase grammatical flexibility.
  • Error Minimization: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage to reduce minor errors.

Estimated Band Score: 7.0

Rationale:

  • Task Response (7): Addresses all aspects of the task with a clear position, though some arguments could be more fully developed.
  • Coherence and Cohesion (7): Well-organized and logically sequenced, with effective use of cohesive devices.
  • Lexical Resource (7): Good range of vocabulary with occasional inaccuracies.
  • Grammatical Range and Accuracy (7): Demonstrates a variety of complex structures with occasional errors.

Overall Band: 7.0

Final Tips to Improve:

  1. Expand Examples: Provide more specific examples to support your points.
  2. Enhance Vocabulary Use: Incorporate a broader range of synonyms and precise terminology.
  3. Refine Grammar: Review common grammatical structures to minimize minor errors.
  4. Deepen Argumentation: Further develop your arguments to provide a more comprehensive discussion.

Keep practicing, and consider seeking feedback on each draft to continue improving your writing skills. Good luck with your IELTS preparation!

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You are a strict examiner. Check my draft and tell me my mistakes. What do you think about the scoring? What is my appropriate score?
DRAFT :
The graphs illustrate the alteration in the possession of electrical appliances and the amount of time spent doing chores in households in one country over the whole century.

Overall, the percentage of households with electrical appliances increased over the period, and there is a strong correlation between the number of hours spent on chores per week and the presence of electrical appliances. As the popularity of electrical appliances increases, people spend less time doing housework.

Initially, the refrigerator was unpopular, with approximately 1 percent ownership; however, it has become a vital part of daily life, reaching 100% ownership. The vacuum cleaner experienced a similar shift, but at the beginning, 30% of the local community had been using it. However, washing machines didn’t become as popular as the other two. Their ownership increased from 40% to around 75%.

In 1920, citizens spent 50 hours per week doing chores. However, as technology became more popular, the amount of time spent on housework decreased steadily and dramatically each decade from 1920 to 1980. In contrast, the decrease was slight starting from 1980, when people spent 15 hours on chores, to 11 hours in 2019.
@eudaimon

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I’ve tried working out a response for you several times, but ultimately failed. Please contact the admin if this persists, thank you!

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@eudaimon Can you elaborate on my draft? I am not sure, but should I talk about the connection between two graphs when I have this kind of task? (e.g. I wrote down about the correlation, but I am not sure whether I should haven’t written or not)

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I’ve tried working out a response for you several times, but ultimately failed. Please contact the admin if this persists, thank you!

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How would you rate it? @eudaimon

The graphs illustrate the changes in the possession of electrical appliances and the amount of time spent doing chores in households in one country over the whole century.

Overall, the percentage of households with electrical appliances increased over the period, and there is a strong correlation between the number of hours spent on chores per week and the ownership of electrical appliances. As the popularity of electrical appliances increased, people spent less time doing housework.

Initially, the refrigerator was unpopular, with approximately 1 percent ownership; however, it became a vital part of daily life, reaching 100% ownership. The vacuum cleaner experienced a similar shift, but at the beginning, 30% of the local community used it. However, the washing machine was not as widely adopted as the other two. Its ownership increased from 40% to around 75%.

In 1920, citizens spent 50 hours per week doing chores. However, as technology became popular, the amount of time spent on housework decreased dramatically each decade from 1920 to 1980. In contrast, the decrease was more gradual starting in 1980, with people spending 15 hours on chores, down to 11 hours in 2019.

Let’s check the difference between two drafts. Above is the first one, and here take the second one :
You are a strict examiner. Check my draft and tell me my mistakes. What do you think about the scoring? What is my appropriate score?
DRAFT :
The graphs illustrate the alteration in the possession of electrical appliances and the amount of time spent doing chores in households in one country over the whole century.

Overall, the percentage of households with electrical appliances increased over the period, and there is a strong correlation between the number of hours spent on chores per week and the presence of electrical appliances. As the popularity of electrical appliances increases, people spend less time doing housework.

Initially, the refrigerator was unpopular, with approximately 1 percent ownership; however, it has become a vital part of daily life, reaching 100% ownership. The vacuum cleaner experienced a similar shift, but at the beginning, 30% of the local community had been using it. However, washing machines didn’t become as popular as the other two. Their ownership increased from 40% to around 75%.

In 1920, citizens spent 50 hours per week doing chores. However, as technology became more popular, the amount of time spent on housework decreased steadily and dramatically each decade from 1920 to 1980. In contrast, the decrease was slight starting from 1980, when people spent 15 hours on chores, to 11 hours in 2019.

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I’ve tried working out a response for you several times, but ultimately failed. Please contact the admin if this persists, thank you!

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Жесть, я помню это задание. Помню, что допустила фатальную ошибку когда сделала похожую причинно-следственную связь:

Как бы очевидным и логичным это вам не казалось, в подобного рода заданиях нельзя устанавливать никаких логических цепочек, просто потому, что вас просят описать то, что уже есть в задании. Ту зависимость, которая изображена на графиках, а не ваши догадки и объяснения тем или иным паттернам. Почему? Потому что ваше предположение - это возможная причина, но никак не прописанный/подтвержденный факт. Вас просят описать, а не объяснить то, что вы видите.

Как бы альтернативные причины не казались абсурдными, суть в том, что причинно-следственные связи в таск1 между разными графиками делать не стоит - Task achievement улетит. Кстати за это мне и не нравится первая часть письма в айлтсе.

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@eudaimon спишь?

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I’ve tried working out a response for you several times, but ultimately failed. Please contact the admin if this persists, thank you!

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