IELTS Writing Drafts

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@eudaimon Ержан, на работу пора

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I’ve tried working out a response for you several times, but ultimately failed. Please contact the admin if this persists, thank you!

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@eudaimon can you help him with evaluation? We will be glad! :grin:

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I’ve tried working out a response for you several times, but ultimately failed. Please contact the admin if this persists, thank you!

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DRAFT :
The blueprints illustrate the site of a current airport and how it will look after the next year improvement.

Overall, the airport will be redeveloped, with additional gates and new facilities added both inside and outside. However, the main building structure will remain unchanged.

There will be a totally redeveloped area where planes take off and arrive. Currently, it is a rectangular area with eight gates. Customers and staff use a walkway to travel from the entrance on the north side of the building to the farthest gate. However, this area is going to totally change. First of all, the size of an area will increase 3 times, and there will be additional 4 gates with a sky train instead of a walkway.

The southern part of the airport will undergo fewer changes compared to the northern part. The entrances for both departures and arrivals will be doubled.New facilities will be added, including a car hire service in the southeast part of the building. Additionally, a cafe will be available in both sections, and an ATM will be added in the arrivals area.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS TASK? THERE WERE MANY THINGS TO WRITE, AND I AM NOT SURE ABOUT MY TASK REPSONSE. DID I MAKE IT CORRECT? HOW WOULD YOU RATE MY WRITING?
@eudaimon
IT SEEMS THAT YOU WON’T ANSWER TO ME, BUT I WILL WAIT for YOU (EVERYONE)

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@eudaimon assess the response above

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Feedback on IELTS Writing Drafts

1. Electricity Production and Consumption (Cambridge 13, Test 3)

Your Draft:

The chart illustrates the first 10 countries for the usage and making of electricity in 2014.

Overall, the majority of the ten countries produce more energy than consume it. China is the biggest country toward interchangeable electro energy, also Its amount of consumption and production is approximately the same.

China is in first place among ten countries. It made 5368 billion kWh and used 5322 billion kWh. It means that it produced slightly more than it spent. The same thing is also relevant for the United States. However, their amount of energy differs from each other. While China had over 500 billion kWh, The United States produced and consumed around 4000 billion kWh, which was in the second place of the list.

Other countries’ production and usage are far less than The USA. It goes in the order of decreasing starting from Russia with 1000 billion kWh to the Korean Republic around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and Korea Republic had the same trend as China. However, Russia made and produced almost the same amount of electricity, and Germany used more energy than making it.

Revised Version Provided:

The chart presents the top ten countries in terms of electricity production and consumption in 2014.

Overall, most of the top ten countries generate more electricity than they consume. China leads in both production and consumption, with its energy output and usage being nearly equal.

Assessment:

  1. Introduction and Overview:

    • Your Draft: Clear introduction of the chart’s subject.
    • Revised Version: More concise and accurate use of terminology (“electricity production and consumption”).

  2. Accuracy and Clarity:

    • Your Draft: Contains some inaccuracies and unclear phrases, e.g., “the biggest country toward interchangeable electro energy,” which is unclear.
    • Revised Version: More precise language enhances clarity.

  3. Data Presentation:

    • Your Draft: Attempts to present specific data but has some inconsistencies (e.g., “China had over 500 billion kWh” likely meant to be “over 5000 billion kWh”).
    • Revised Version: Does not include specific data but sets a solid foundation. Including accurate data in body paragraphs is essential.

  4. Structure:

    • Your Draft: Some structural issues, making it harder to follow. For example, the comparison between China and the USA could be clearer.
    • Revised Version: Provides a clear overview, allowing for better organization of body paragraphs.

  5. Grammar and Vocabulary:

    • Your Draft: Contains grammatical errors and awkward phrasing (e.g., “the Korean Republic” should be “the Republic of Korea” or “South Korea”; “amount of energy differs from each other” should be “their energy consumption and production differ”).
    • Revised Version: Improved grammar and vocabulary.

Recommendations for Improvement:

  • Clarity and Precision: Ensure all statements are clear and precise. Avoid ambiguous terms.
  • Data Accuracy: Double-check numerical data for accuracy.
  • Grammar and Syntax: Proofread to correct grammatical errors and improve sentence structures.
  • Logical Flow: Organize information logically, perhaps by grouping countries with similar trends or by ranking them clearly.

2. Airport Redevelopment Plan

Your Draft:

The blueprints illustrate the site of a current airport and how it will look after the next year improvement.

Overall, the airport will be redeveloped, with additional gates and new facilities added both inside and outside. However, the main building structure will remain unchanged.

There will be a totally redeveloped area where planes take off and arrive. Currently, it is a rectangular area with eight gates. Customers and staff use a walkway to travel from the entrance on the north side of the building to the farthest gate. However, this area is going to totally change. First of all, the size of an area will increase 3 times, and there will be additional 4 gates with a sky train instead of a walkway.

The southern part of the airport will undergo fewer changes compared to the northern part. The entrances for both departures and arrivals will be doubled.New facilities will be added, including a car hire service in the southeast part of the building. Additionally, a cafe will be available in both sections, and an ATM will be added in the arrivals area.

Assessment:

  1. Introduction and Overview:

    • Strengths: Clearly states what the blueprints illustrate and provides an overall summary.
    • Improvements: Minor grammatical adjustments for better flow. For example, “next year improvement” should be “next year’s improvements.”

  2. Body Paragraphs:

    • First Body Paragraph:

      • Strengths: Describes changes in the departure and arrival areas, mentioning the increase in size and addition of gates.
      • Improvements: Clarify details such as “increase 3 times” to “triple in size” for clarity. Specify whether the sky train replaces the walkway entirely or supplements it.

    • Second Body Paragraph:

      • Strengths: Discusses changes in the southern part, including doubling entrances and adding facilities.
      • Improvements: Ensure consistency in terminology (e.g., “southern part” vs. “north side”). Clearly separate different types of changes for better readability.

  3. Clarity and Detail:

    • Strengths: Provides specific details about the changes, such as the number of gates and new facilities.
    • Improvements: Some sentences are lengthy and can be broken down for clarity. For example, “Customers and staff use a walkway…” could be simplified.

  4. Grammar and Vocabulary:

    • Issues:
      • Missing space after the period in “doubled.New facilities…”
      • Inconsistent tense usage.
      • Minor grammatical errors, e.g., “the size of an area will increase 3 times” should be “the size of the area will triple.”

  5. Coherence and Cohesion:

    • Strengths: Logical progression from overall changes to specific areas.
    • Improvements: Use more varied linking words to enhance the flow (e.g., “Furthermore,” “In addition,” “Moreover”).

Revised Example:

Introduction:

The blueprints depict the current layout of an airport and its proposed redevelopment over the next year.

Overview:

Overall, the airport will undergo significant redevelopment, including the addition of new gates and facilities both inside and outside the main building, which will remain unchanged.

Body Paragraph 1:

The departure and arrival areas will be entirely redesigned. Presently, the rectangular section houses eight gates connected by a walkway leading from the north entrance to the farthest gate. In the redeveloped layout, this area will triple in size and feature four additional gates. Additionally, a sky train will replace the existing walkway, providing faster transit between gates.

Body Paragraph 2:

The southern section of the airport will see fewer modifications compared to the northern part. Both departure and arrival entrances will be doubled to accommodate increased traffic. New facilities will include a car hire service located in the southeast part of the building. Moreover, cafes will be introduced in both the departure and arrival areas, and ATMs will be installed in the arrivals section to enhance passenger convenience.

Recommendations for Improvement:

  • Grammar and Syntax: Pay attention to sentence structure, verb tenses, and punctuation to enhance readability.
  • Vocabulary: Use precise and varied vocabulary to convey changes effectively.
  • Detail Orientation: Ensure all details are clearly and accurately described, avoiding ambiguity.
  • Organization: Maintain a logical structure with clear separation between different sections or aspects of the redevelopment.

Overall Rating and Suggestions

Strengths:

  • Understanding of Task: Both drafts address the task requirements by describing changes and presenting an overview.
  • Detail Inclusion: Specific details about numbers and facilities demonstrate an ability to extract and communicate key information.

Areas for Improvement:

  • Language Accuracy: Focus on grammatical accuracy and appropriate vocabulary usage to convey ideas clearly.
  • Clarity and Precision: Ensure all statements are clear, precise, and free from ambiguity.
  • Structural Organization: Maintain a logical flow with well-structured paragraphs and effective use of linking phrases.
  • Proofreading: Always proofread your drafts to catch and correct errors before finalizing.

Final Tips:

  • Practice Regularly: Continuously practice writing Task 1 responses to build familiarity with different types of data presentations.
  • Seek Feedback: Utilize feedback to identify recurring issues and work on them systematically.
  • Enhance Vocabulary: Expand your range of vocabulary related to describing data and changes to articulate your points more effectively.
  • Time Management: Allocate sufficient time for planning, writing, and reviewing your responses within the test time limits.

Keep up the good work, and with focused practice and attention to the areas highlighted, you’ll enhance the quality and effectiveness of your IELTS Writing Task 1 responses.

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@sophia
You are a strict examiner. How would you rate my written draft? What are my mistakes?

72

IELTS Writing Task 1 Evaluation

Candidate’s Draft:

The chart illustrates the first 10 countries for the usage and making of electricity in 2014.

Overall, the majority of the ten countries produce more energy than consume it. China is the biggest country toward interchangeable electro energy, also Its amount of consumption and production is approximately the same.

China is in first place among ten countries. It made 5368 billion kWh and used 5322 billion kWh. It means that it produced slightly more than it spent. The same thing is also relevant for the United States. However, their amount of energy differs from each other. While China had over 500 billion kWh, The United States produced and consumed around 4000 billion kWh, which was in the second place of the list.

Other countries’ production and usage are far less than The USA. It goes in the order of decreasing starting from Russia with 1000 billion kWh to the Korean Republic around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and Korea Republic had the same trend as China. However, Russia made and produced almost the same amount of electricity, and Germany used more energy than making it.

Estimated Band Score: 5.5

Breakdown:

  1. Task Achievement (6.0):

    • Strengths:
      • Addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the chart.
      • Includes specific data points (e.g., China’s production and consumption figures).
    • Areas for Improvement:
      • Completeness: Some countries mentioned lack detailed comparison or accurate representation.
      • Overview: The overview is somewhat general and could better highlight the key trends, such as specific countries that differ notably from the rest.

  2. Coherence and Cohesion (5.5):

    • Strengths:
      • Information is organized into paragraphs with logical grouping (e.g., first China and the USA, then other countries).
      • Uses some linking devices (e.g., “However,” “While,” “Other countries”).
    • Areas for Improvement:
      • Logical Flow: Transitions between sentences and ideas can be abrupt, making the text harder to follow.
      • Referencing: Inconsistent use of country names (e.g., “Korean Republic” vs. “Korea Republic”) can cause confusion.
      • Paragraphing: The body paragraphs could be more clearly divided, each focusing on specific groups or trends.

  3. Lexical Resource (5.5):

    • Strengths:
      • Attempts to use a range of vocabulary related to energy production and consumption (e.g., “interchangeable electro energy,” “amount of consumption”).
    • Areas for Improvement:
      • Word Choice: Some phrases are awkward or inaccurate (e.g., “the biggest country toward interchangeable electro energy” is unclear).
      • Repetition: Overuse of certain words like “amount” and “energy” without variation.
      • Accuracy: Misuse of terms affects clarity (e.g., “used 5322 billion kWh” is better expressed as “consumed 5,322 billion kWh”).

  4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (5.0):

    • Strengths:
      • Demonstrates the ability to construct complex sentences.
    • Areas for Improvement:
      • Errors: Multiple grammatical errors impede understanding (e.g., “the Korean Republic” should be “the Republic of Korea” or “South Korea”; incorrect capitalization in “Its”).
      • Sentence Structure: Some sentences are fragmented or awkwardly constructed, affecting readability.
      • Agreement and Tense: Issues with subject-verb agreement and consistent tense usage.

Detailed Feedback and Corrections:

  1. Introduction:

    • Original:

      The chart illustrates the first 10 countries for the usage and making of electricity in 2014.

    • Correction:

      The chart illustrates the top ten countries in terms of electricity production and consumption in 2014.

    Comments:

    • “First 10 countries” is vague; “top ten” is more precise.
    • “Usage and making of electricity” is awkward; “electricity production and consumption” is clearer.

  2. Overview:

    • Original:

      Overall, the majority of the ten countries produce more energy than consume it. China is the biggest country toward interchangeable electro energy, also Its amount of consumption and production is approximately the same.

    • Correction:

      Overall, most of the top ten countries generate more electricity than they consume. China leads in both production and consumption, with its energy output and usage being nearly equal.

    Comments:

    • “Interchangeable electro energy” is unclear; “generate” is more appropriate.
    • “Its amount of consumption and production” should be rephrased for clarity.
    • Avoid starting sentences with conjunctions like “also.”

  3. Body Paragraph 1:

    • Original:

      China is in first place among ten countries. It made 5368 billion kWh and used 5322 billion kWh. It means that it produced slightly more than it spent. The same thing is also relevant for the United States. However, their amount of energy differs from each other. While China had over 500 billion kWh, The United States produced and consumed around 4000 billion kWh, which was in the second place of the list.

    • Correction:

      China ranks first among the ten countries, producing 5,368 billion kWh of electricity and consuming 5,322 billion kWh. This indicates that China generates slightly more electricity than it uses. The United States holds the second position, with electricity production and consumption both around 4,000 billion kWh. Although the USA also produces more electricity than it consumes, the margin is larger compared to China.

    Comments:

    • Numerical figures should include commas for readability (e.g., “5,368” instead of “5368”).
    • Clarify comparisons and avoid vague statements like “over 500 billion kWh,” which is likely a typo meant to be “over 5,000 billion kWh.”

  4. Body Paragraph 2:

    • Original:

      Other countries’ production and usage are far less than The USA. It goes in the order of decreasing starting from Russia with 1000 billion kWh to the Korean Republic around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and Korea Republic had the same trend as China. However, Russia made and produced almost the same amount of electricity, and Germany used more energy than making it.

    • Correction:

      The remaining countries have significantly lower electricity production and consumption compared to the USA. Starting from Russia, which produced and consumed approximately 1,000 billion kWh, down to South Korea with around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and South Korea similarly generate slightly more electricity than they consume. However, Russia has nearly balanced its production and consumption, while Germany consumes more electricity than it produces.

    Comments:

    • “Korean Republic” should be “South Korea” for clarity and accuracy.
    • Ensure consistency in numerical representations (e.g., “1,000” vs. “500” billion kWh).
    • Clarify the trends for each country more precisely.

Common Mistakes and How to Address Them:

  1. Vocabulary and Word Choice:

    • Issue: Using inaccurate or awkward phrases (e.g., “making of electricity,” “interchangeable electro energy”).
    • Solution: Familiarize yourself with standard IELTS vocabulary for data description. Use terms like “production,” “consumption,” “generation,” and “usage.”

  2. Grammar and Sentence Structure:

    • Issue: Grammatical errors, such as incorrect capitalization (“Its”) and inconsistent verb tenses.
    • Solution:
      • Proofread your work to correct capitalization and agreement errors.
      • Maintain consistent verb tenses throughout your description.

  3. Clarity and Precision:

    • Issue: Vague statements and unclear comparisons (e.g., “over 500 billion kWh” likely meant “over 5,000 billion kWh”).
    • Solution: Double-check numerical data for accuracy and ensure clarity in comparisons. Use precise language to convey exact meanings.

  4. Coherence in Organization:

    • Issue: Abrupt transitions and inconsistent referencing of countries.
    • Solution: Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph and maintain consistent terminology when referring to countries. Group similar information logically.

  5. Numerical Accuracy:

    • Issue: Possible typos or misrepresentation of data figures.
    • Solution: Verify all numerical data from the source chart to ensure accurate reporting.

Recommendations for Improvement:

  1. Enhance Vocabulary:

    • Expand your range of vocabulary related to data description, such as “increase,” “decrease,” “fluctuate,” “peak,” “margin,” etc.

  2. Improve Grammar:

    • Focus on common grammatical areas, including subject-verb agreement, correct use of tenses, and proper sentence structures.
    • Practice writing complex sentences without compromising clarity.

  3. Structure Your Response:

    • Follow a clear structure: Introduction, Overview, Body Paragraph 1, Body Paragraph 2.
    • Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and flows logically to the next.

  4. Practice Data Interpretation:

    • Regularly practice interpreting charts and graphs to quickly identify key trends and important data points.
    • Summarize the main features without delving into unnecessary details.

  5. Proofread:

    • Allocate time to review your writing for any grammatical errors, typos, or unclear phrases before finalizing.

  6. Seek Feedback:

    • Continue seeking feedback from knowledgeable sources to identify and work on your weaknesses effectively.

Conclusion

Your draft demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the task and includes relevant data. However, to achieve a higher band score, focus on refining your vocabulary, eliminating grammatical errors, and organizing your response more coherently. Consistent practice and attention to these areas will significantly enhance the quality of your writing.

73

Okay, you didn’t understand me. Why did you write a feedback about my previous draft?
Let’s look at the only one draft and focus on it :

The blueprints illustrate the site of a current airport and how it will look after the next year improvement.

Overall, the airport will be redeveloped, with additional gates and new facilities added both inside and outside. However, the main building structure will remain unchanged.

There will be a totally redeveloped area where planes take off and arrive. Currently, it is a rectangular area with eight gates. Customers and staff use a walkway to travel from the entrance on the north side of the building to the farthest gate. However, this area is going to totally change. First of all, the size of an area will increase 3 times, and there will be additional 4 gates with a sky train instead of a walkway.

The southern part of the airport will undergo fewer changes compared to the northern part. The entrances for both departures and arrivals will be doubled.New facilities will be added, including a car hire service in the southeast part of the building. Additionally, a cafe will be available in both sections, and an ATM will be added in the arrivals area.

You are a strict examiner. How would you rate my current IELTS writing part 1 draft? What score will you give me?
@sophia

74

IELTS Writing Task 1 Evaluation

Candidate’s Draft:

The blueprints illustrate the site of a current airport and how it will look after the next year improvement.

Overall, the airport will be redeveloped, with additional gates and new facilities added both inside and outside. However, the main building structure will remain unchanged.

There will be a totally redeveloped area where planes take off and arrive. Currently, it is a rectangular area with eight gates. Customers and staff use a walkway to travel from the entrance on the north side of the building to the farthest gate. However, this area is going to totally change. First of all, the size of an area will increase 3 times, and there will be additional 4 gates with a sky train instead of a walkway.

The southern part of the airport will undergo fewer changes compared to the northern part. The entrances for both departures and arrivals will be doubled.New facilities will be added, including a car hire service in the southeast part of the building. Additionally, a cafe will be available in both sections, and an ATM will be added in the arrivals area.

Estimated Band Score: 6.0

Breakdown:

  1. Task Achievement (6.0):

    • Strengths:
      • Addresses the main features of the airport redevelopment, including additions and structural changes.
      • Provides specific details about different parts of the airport, such as the redeveloped area for planes and new facilities in the southern part.
    • Areas for Improvement:
      • Detail and Precision: Some descriptions lack precision (e.g., “increase 3 times” could be clearer as “triple in size”).
      • Comprehensiveness: Ensure all significant changes from the blueprints are covered to fully satisfy the task requirements.

  2. Coherence and Cohesion (6.0):

    • Strengths:
      • Information is logically organized into distinct paragraphs focusing on different sections of the airport.
      • Uses linking words effectively (e.g., “However,” “Additionally”) to connect ideas.
    • Areas for Improvement:
      • Flow and Transitions: Some transitions between sentences and ideas are abrupt. Smoother connections can enhance readability.
      • Paragraph Structure: Consider breaking down information into more precise paragraphs to improve clarity.

  3. Lexical Resource (6.0):

    • Strengths:
      • Demonstrates a good range of vocabulary related to infrastructure and redevelopment (e.g., “redeveloped,” “facilities,” “sky train”).
    • Areas for Improvement:
      • Variety and Precision: Incorporate more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhance description (e.g., use “expanded,” “augmented,” “installed” instead of repeatedly using “added”).
      • Accuracy: Some phrases are awkward or unclear (e.g., “the size of an area will increase 3 times” is better expressed as “the area will triple in size”).

  4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (5.5):

    • Strengths:
      • Attempts complex sentence structures and demonstrates some control over grammatical forms.
    • Areas for Improvement:
      • Errors and Consistency: Noticeable grammatical errors and inconsistencies (e.g., missing space after a period: “doubled.New”; incorrect article usage: “a sky train” instead of “the sky train” if it’s specific).
      • Sentence Structure: Some sentences are fragmented or awkwardly constructed, which can impede clarity (e.g., “the size of an area will increase 3 times” vs. “the area will triple in size”).
      • Punctuation and Capitalization: Ensure proper punctuation and capitalization throughout (e.g., “ATM” should be capitalized, “cafe” could be “café” for proper noun usage).

Detailed Feedback and Corrections:

  1. Introduction:

    • Original:

      The blueprints illustrate the site of a current airport and how it will look after the next year improvement.

    • Correction:

      The blueprints illustrate the current layout of an airport and how it will be improved over the next year.

    Comments:

    • “Site of a current airport” is somewhat vague; “current layout of an airport” is more precise.
    • “After the next year improvement” is awkward; “improved over the next year” is clearer and more natural.

  2. Overview:

    • Original:

      Overall, the airport will be redeveloped, with additional gates and new facilities added both inside and outside. However, the main building structure will remain unchanged.

    • Correction:

      Overall, the airport will undergo redevelopment, including additional gates and new facilities both inside and outside. However, the main building structure will remain unchanged.

    Comments:

    • Slight rephrasing for smoother flow and more formal tone.

  3. Body Paragraph 1:

    • Original:

      There will be a totally redeveloped area where planes take off and arrive. Currently, it is a rectangular area with eight gates. Customers and staff use a walkway to travel from the entrance on the north side of the building to the farthest gate. However, this area is going to totally change. First of all, the size of an area will increase 3 times, and there will be additional 4 gates with a sky train instead of a walkway.

    • Correction:

      The area designated for plane take-offs and arrivals will be completely redeveloped. Currently, it is a rectangular area with eight gates and a walkway that connects the entrance on the north side of the building to the farthest gate. This area will undergo significant changes: its size will triple, four additional gates will be added, and a sky train will replace the existing walkway.

    Comments:

    • Combined related sentences for better coherence.
    • Clarified and corrected numerical expressions.
    • Improved sentence structure for clarity.

  4. Body Paragraph 2:

    • Original:

      The southern part of the airport will undergo fewer changes compared to the northern part. The entrances for both departures and arrivals will be doubled.New facilities will be added, including a car hire service in the southeast part of the building. Additionally, a cafe will be available in both sections, and an ATM will be added in the arrivals area.

    • Correction:

      The southern part of the airport will see fewer changes compared to the northern section. The entrances for both departures and arrivals will be doubled. New facilities will be added, including a car hire service in the southeast part of the building. Additionally, a café will be available in both sections, and an ATM will be installed in the arrivals area.

    Comments:

    • Corrected punctuation error (“doubled.New” to “doubled. New”).
    • Used “installed” for variety and precision instead of repeating “added.”

Suggestions for Improvement:

  1. Enhance Vocabulary:

    • Use a wider range of synonyms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using “added,” consider words like “included,” “installed,” “introduced,” or “implemented.”
    • Incorporate more precise terms related to construction and redevelopment.

  2. Improve Grammatical Accuracy:

    • Carefully proofread to eliminate punctuation errors (e.g., missing spaces after periods).
    • Ensure subject-verb agreement and correct article usage.
    • Avoid sentence fragments by ensuring each sentence has a clear subject and verb.

  3. Increase Clarity and Cohesion:

    • Use clear and logical transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the flow of information.
    • Group related information together to maintain a coherent structure.
    • Avoid redundancy by combining similar points.

  4. Provide Comprehensive Details:

    • Ensure that all significant changes from the blueprints are covered comprehensively.
    • Avoid vague statements; provide specific details to fully describe the alterations.

  5. Refine Sentence Structure:

    • Vary sentence structures to maintain reader interest and demonstrate grammatical range.
    • Use complex sentences appropriately without compromising clarity.

  6. Consistent Formatting:

    • Ensure consistency in numerical representations (e.g., “four” vs. “4”) based on standard writing conventions.
    • Capitalize proper nouns and ensure correct use of terms (e.g., “café” instead of “cafe” if using accurate diacritics is expected).

Conclusion

Your draft effectively captures the main changes planned for the airport, providing specific details about different sections and the nature of the redevelopment. To achieve a higher band score, focus on expanding your vocabulary, refining grammatical accuracy, and enhancing the clarity and cohesion of your writing. Paying attention to these areas will significantly improve the overall quality and effectiveness of your response.

75

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DRAFT :
A lot of food and drink products in manufacture contain excess amounts of sugar, which causes many health issues. Products which contain sugar should become more expensive to motivate people to employ less sugar. This essay doesn’t agree with the statement because people will buy the same things for higher cost, and the manufacturers will gain more profit, continuing their production.

This encouraging movement tends to fail because the same action was done in some countries relating to smoking and alcohol. In most of the cases If the cost of the same product increases, people will buy it even if the cost isn’t affordable for them. For example, the government in Kazakhstan decided to increase the cost of alcohol to 200%, with the hope to decrease its production. However, it didn’t help them, and people were buying these productions for just higher costs.

In addition, companies get more profit from the increase in costs of their own products. If the amount of clients didn’t change and cost increased, it would be beneficial to manufacture. Next, they will produce more and more sugar contained products, and the variety of unhealthy products can also be increased. For example brand productions, such as Coca-Cola, Pepsi, become popular every year because they are producing new tastes of their fizzy drinks.

In conclusion, there are many manufactured foods and drinks which contain high levels of sugar, which can be a cause for many health problems. Making sugary products more expensive, with an intention of having a potential to consume less sugar, is a bad idea because people will carry on consuming the same products for higher costs, and it will help manufacturers to flourish their products further.

HOW WOULD YOU RATE MY CURRENT DRAFT. LET’S CONSIDER ONLY THIS DRAFT. YOU ARE A STRICT EXAMINER. HOW WOULD YOU RATE MY CURRENT DRAFT? WHAT ARE MY MISTAKES?
@eudaimon

76

IELTS Writing Task 2 Evaluation

Estimated Band Score: 6.0

Task Response (6.0)

  • Strengths:
    • Clear position against making sugary products more expensive
    • Supports main arguments with relevant examples
  • Weaknesses:
    • Introduction could more clearly present the issue
    • Some arguments need deeper development
    • Conclusion mostly repeats rather than synthesizes

Coherence and Cohesion (6.0)

  • Strengths:
    • Clear paragraph structure
    • Basic linking words used appropriately
  • Weaknesses:
    • Abrupt transitions between ideas
    • Some paragraphs lack internal cohesion
    • Overuse of simple connectors (“For example,” “In addition”)

Lexical Resource (6.0)

  • Strengths:
    • Adequate vocabulary for task
    • Some attempt at sophisticated expressions
  • Weaknesses:
    • Word choice errors (“encouraging movement”)
    • Limited range of vocabulary
    • Some awkward expressions (“flourish their products”)

Grammatical Range and Accuracy (6.0)

  • Strengths:
    • Mix of simple and complex sentences
    • Generally communicates meaning
  • Weaknesses:
    • Article errors (“the same action was done”)
    • Subject-verb agreement issues
    • Inconsistent tense usage

Detailed Corrections

Introduction:
Original:

A lot of food and drink products in manufacture contain excess amounts of sugar, which causes many health issues. Products which contain sugar should become more expensive to motivate people to employ less sugar. This essay doesn’t agree with the statement because people will buy the same things for higher cost, and the manufacturers will gain more profit, continuing their production.

Improved:

Many manufactured food and drink products contain excessive amounts of sugar, leading to various health issues. Some suggest that increasing the price of sugar-containing products would reduce sugar consumption. However, this essay disagrees with this approach, arguing that consumers would continue buying these products at higher prices while manufacturers would simply increase their profits.

Body Paragraph 1:
Original:

This encouraging movement tends to fail because the same action was done in some countries relating to smoking and alcohol. In most of the cases If the cost of the same product increases, people will buy it even if the cost isn’t affordable for them. For example, the government in Kazakhstan decided to increase the cost of alcohol to 200%, with the hope to decrease its production. However, it didn’t help them, and people were buying these productions for just higher costs.

Improved:

Price increases have proven ineffective in reducing consumption of addictive products, as evidenced by similar measures applied to smoking and alcohol. When prices rise, consumers often continue purchasing these items despite affordability issues. For instance, when Kazakhstan’s government increased alcohol prices by 200% to reduce consumption, people continued buying alcohol despite the higher costs.

Key Issues to Address:

  1. Task Response:

    • Develop arguments more thoroughly
    • Include counterarguments
    • Make introduction more focused

  2. Coherence:

    • Use more sophisticated linking words
    • Improve paragraph transitions
    • Strengthen topic sentences

  3. Vocabulary:

    • Replace informal expressions
    • Use more precise terminology
    • Avoid redundancy

  4. Grammar:

    • Check articles (a/an/the)
    • Maintain consistent tense
    • Review subject-verb agreement

Recommendations:

  1. Introduction:

    • Present the issue more clearly
    • State your position more precisely
    • Outline main arguments briefly

  2. Body Paragraphs:

    • One clear main idea per paragraph
    • Support with specific examples
    • Link ideas more smoothly

  3. Conclusion:

    • Synthesize rather than repeat
    • Reinforce main arguments
    • End with impact

  4. General Improvements:

    • Use more formal vocabulary
    • Vary sentence structures
    • Strengthen transitions

To achieve a higher band score, focus on:

  • Developing arguments more thoroughly
  • Using more sophisticated vocabulary
  • Improving grammatical accuracy
  • Strengthening paragraph cohesion

Continue practicing with emphasis on these areas for improvement.

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@sophia analyze all of @DiNih.MiKao drafts and show his mistakes and shortcomings.

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Certainly! I’ll analyze your IELTS Writing Task 1 draft based on the provided text about electricity production and consumption in the top ten countries in 2014. The analysis will cover Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy. I’ll also highlight specific mistakes and provide suggestions for improvement.

Overall Assessment: Band 6.0

1. Task Achievement (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Overview Included: You provided a general overview stating that most countries produce more energy than they consume.
  • Data Reporting: Key figures for China and the United States are mentioned, giving specific data points from the chart.

Weaknesses:

  • Incomplete Coverage: Not all top ten countries are discussed in detail. Some countries are only briefly mentioned without specific data.
  • Quantitative Comparisons: Limited use of comparative language and specific numerical comparisons to highlight differences and similarities.
  • Missing Details: Germany is mentioned as using more energy than producing it, but there’s no specific data provided for clarity.

Suggestions:

  • Comprehensive Data Coverage: Ensure that all ten countries are at least briefly addressed, even if not in detail.
  • Use Comparatives and Superlatives: Enhance comparisons (e.g., “China produced slightly more electricity than it consumed, whereas Germany consumed more than it produced.”)
  • Specific Data Points: Include more specific figures for additional countries to provide a clearer picture.

2. Coherence and Cohesion (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Logical Structure: The essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, overview, and body paragraphs.
  • Paragraphing: Separate paragraphs for different groups of countries help in organizing information.

Weaknesses:

  • Linking Words: Overuse of simple connectors like “however” and “also,” leading to repetitive sentence structures.
  • Flow Between Sentences: Some sentences transition abruptly without smooth connectors, affecting the readability.
  • Repetition: Repetition of phrases like “made and produced” can make the text monotonous.

Suggestions:

  • Variety in Connectors: Use a wider range of linking words (e.g., “furthermore,” “in contrast,” “moreover”) to enhance flow.
  • Sentence Variety: Combine sentences to reduce choppiness and improve the natural progression of ideas.
  • Avoid Repetition: Use synonyms or restructure sentences to minimize repeating the same words or phrases.

3. Lexical Resource (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Appropriate Vocabulary: Terms like “production,” “consumption,” and “billions kWh” are correctly used.
  • Attempt at Variety: Words like “interchangeable electro energy” show an attempt to use varied vocabulary.

Weaknesses:

  • Inaccurate Word Choice: Phrases like “interchangeable electro energy” are unclear and possibly incorrect.
  • Limited Vocabulary Range: Reliance on basic terms without incorporating more sophisticated synonyms or expressions.
  • Awkward Phrasing: Phrases such as “made and produced” are redundant and awkward.

Suggestions:

  • Precise Terminology: Use accurate terms (e.g., “electricity production” instead of “interchangeable electro energy”).
  • Expand Vocabulary: Incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions to demonstrate a broader lexical range (e.g., “generated” instead of “made”).
  • Clear Phrasing: Ensure phrases are concise and clear, avoiding redundancy.

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Sentence Variety: Mix of simple and complex sentences is attempted.
  • Generally Clear Meaning: Most sentences convey the intended information despite minor errors.

Weaknesses:

  • Article Usage: Incorrect use of definite articles (e.g., “The USA” should be “the USA”).
  • Subject-Verb Agreement: Errors like “production are” instead of “production is.”
  • Capitalization Errors: Unnecessary capitalization (e.g., “The United States,” “The USA”).
  • Sentence Fragments: Some sentences are incomplete or awkwardly constructed, affecting clarity.

Suggestions:

  • Review Articles: Ensure correct use of “a,” “an,” and “the” based on standard rules.
  • Check Agreement: Verify that subjects and verbs agree in number.
  • Consistent Capitalization: Follow standard capitalization rules for country names and acronyms.
  • Proofread for Fragments: Ensure all sentences are complete and clearly constructed.

Detailed Feedback on Body Paragraphs

Original Body Paragraph 1:

China is in first place among ten countries. It made 5368 billion kWh and used 5322 billion kWh. It means that it produced slightly more than it spent. The same thing is also relevant for the United States. However, their amount of energy differs from each other. While China had over 500 billion kWh, The United States produced and consumed around 4000 billion kWh, which was in the second place of the list.

Issues:

  • Data Accuracy: “China had over 500 billion kWh” is inconsistent with earlier figures (5368 billion kWh).
  • Clarity: Phrases like “the same thing is also relevant” are vague.
  • Grammatical Errors: “Their amount of energy differs” should reference “the USA” specifically.
  • Redundancy: Repeating similar information without adding new insights.

Revised Version:

China ranks first among the ten countries, producing 5,368 billion kWh of electricity and consuming 5,322 billion kWh. This indicates that China generates slightly more electricity than it uses. Similarly, the United States follows closely, ranking second with approximately 4,000 billion kWh produced and consumed. However, unlike China, the USA’s production and consumption figures are significantly higher.

Original Body Paragraph 2:

Other countries’ production and usage are far less than The USA. It goes in the order of decreasing starting from Russia with 1000 billion kWh to the Korean Republic around 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, Brazil, and Korea Republic had the same trend as China. However, Russia made and produced almost the same amount of electricity, and Germany used more energy than making it.

Issues:

  • Clarity and Structure: The order of countries and their figures is unclear.
  • Inconsistent Terminology: “Made and produced” is redundant.
  • Inaccurate Statements: “Other countries’ production and usage are far less than The USA” needs specific comparisons.
  • Grammatical Errors: “The Korean Republic” should be “the Republic of Korea,” and “kWh” should be consistently punctuated.

Revised Version:

Production and consumption levels in the remaining countries are significantly lower than those of the USA. Russia leads the rest with 1,000 billion kWh, followed by South Korea with approximately 500 billion kWh. Countries such as Japan, India, Canada, France, and Brazil exhibit a similar pattern to China, where electricity production slightly exceeds consumption. In contrast, Germany stands out by consuming more electricity than it produces.

Final Recommendations

  1. Enhance Clarity and Precision:

    • Ensure that all numerical data is accurate and consistently presented.
    • Use clear and precise language to describe trends and comparisons.

  2. Improve Grammatical Accuracy:

    • Pay attention to article usage, subject-verb agreement, and consistent capitalization.
    • Proofread to eliminate grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.

  3. Expand Lexical Range:

    • Incorporate a broader range of vocabulary to avoid repetition and demonstrate language proficiency.
    • Use varied sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement.

  4. Strengthen Coherence and Cohesion:

    • Utilize a variety of linking words to create smooth transitions between ideas.
    • Organize information logically, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the data.

  5. Comprehensive Data Coverage:

    • Address all ten countries mentioned in the chart, even if only briefly, to fully meet the task requirements.
    • Highlight significant trends and outliers to provide a well-rounded analysis.

By addressing these areas, your essay will demonstrate a stronger command of language, clearer organization, and a more thorough response to the task, which are essential for achieving a higher band score in IELTS Writing Task 1.

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PART 1 :

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DRAFT :
The blueprints illustrate an industrial area in the Norbiton town, and future developed design of the site.

Overall, the area will experience a rebuild from manufacturing to residential area. New buildings and facilities will be constructed instead of the factories, and road will be expanded.

There is farmland on the northern side of a river, which is also located on the north side of a map. This area will undergo a change, farmland will diminish in its size because of a construction of housing in the middle of the farmland. There will be constructed a bridge linking two sides of a river, and this bridge is connected to the main road, which leads to a central area.

Central area will be improved by expanding the road and new facilities, including lots of housing. Instead of factories in the east part of the layout, housing, school and playground will be available. In addition, highway will be increased with an expense of a road to the north-west part of the area. There will be additional housing close to this road and runabout. Moreover, shops and a medical centre will be built in the left part of the runabout and right part of it respectively.

PART 2 :

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DRAFT :
It is crucial for individuals to risk, both in their professional lives and their personal lives.
This essay will argue that although taking risks can lead to disaster, leaving you derelict, it would be better to do and regret, with a huge experience.

People in the entire world experience a crisis moment in their lives, when they need to decide to risk or not. In many cases, the rumour for losing is higher than winning or achieving something. This decision is determining their fates. Therefore, if you don’t want to be derelict with nothing, you shouldn’t take risks and keep processing in your own way. For example, a successful businessman in Russia decided to invest his entire budget into his own business, and it occurred that he lost his family, business, and identity. However, successful stories are coming from people who decided to take risks, and in the end win.

It is better to try and regret rather than regretting from not doing it. If you are disadvantaged from an outcome, try next with another strategy. At least, you will know that the previous approach was wrong and won’t continue the same mistakes. But if you didn’t decide to take a risk, you would never know what would have happened. For example, while Elon Musk was doing projects in SpaceX, his all 99 rockets didn’t reach any success. Instead of giving up, he decided to take risks and try one more time, and, subsequently, his company ranked first with successful projects in the space.

In conclusion, it is essential for people to take risks, both in their professional and personal lives. Despite the rumours of leaving with nothing, it would be better to try and take risks. At least, you would gain a vast amount of experience.

HOW WOULD YOU ASSES MY OVERALL IELTS WRITING SECTION? PLEASE, WRITE YOUR FEEDBACK ONLY ABOUT THESE DRAFT WITHOUT INCLUDING ANY PREVIOUS ONES. WHAT ARE MY MISTAKES? KIND REMINDER : YOU ARE A STRICT EXAMINER

@eudaimon @sophia

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Certainly! I appreciate your dedication to improving your IELTS Writing skills. Below, I provide a detailed assessment of both your Part 1 (likely IELTS Writing Task 1) and Part 2 (IELTS Writing Task 2) drafts. The evaluation is based on the IELTS scoring criteria: Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy. Each section includes strengths, weaknesses, and suggestions for improvement.

Part 1: Industrial Area Redevelopment in Norbiton Town

Overall Assessment: Band 6.0

1. Task Achievement (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Coverage of Main Features: You describe major changes in the industrial area, including the shift from manufacturing to residential use, construction of new buildings, and road expansions.
  • Data Inclusion: Specific elements like the bridge, housing, schools, playgrounds, shops, and medical centers are mentioned.

Weaknesses:

  • Lack of Specificity: The description lacks specific details about the existing and future layouts, such as the exact number of buildings or the types of facilities being added.
  • Missing Comparative Language: There’s little use of comparative phrases to highlight the extent of changes.
  • Incomplete Description: Certain aspects, like the exact location of new features or the scale of construction, are not fully addressed.

Suggestions:

  • Provide More Specific Details: Include precise information about the number of new buildings, types of facilities, or the exact changes in infrastructure.
  • Use Comparative Language: Employ comparative structures (e.g., “larger than,” “more extensive”) to emphasize the magnitude of changes.
  • Ensure Completeness: Make sure to cover all significant features shown in the blueprints comprehensively.

2. Coherence and Cohesion (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Logical Structure: The draft follows a logical order, discussing different areas (farmland, central area) sequentially.
  • Paragraphing: Separate paragraphs are used to organize different sections of the redevelopment plan.

Weaknesses:

  • Linking Words Overuse: Simple connectors like “and,” “also,” and “therefore” are overused, leading to repetitive sentence structures.
  • Abrupt Transitions: Some transitions between ideas are abrupt, affecting the flow.
  • Repetitive Phrases: Phrases such as “will be constructed” and “will” are frequently repeated.

Suggestions:

  • Diversify Linking Devices: Utilize a wider range of connectors (e.g., “furthermore,” “in addition,” “however”) to improve the flow.
  • Enhance Transitions: Ensure smoother transitions between different sections by logically connecting ideas.
  • Vary Sentence Structures: Combine sentences and vary your sentence beginnings to avoid repetition.

3. Lexical Resource (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Appropriate Vocabulary: Uses relevant terms related to urban development, such as “industrial area,” “residential area,” “facilities,” and “construction.”
  • Attempts at Variety: Attempts to vary vocabulary (e.g., “runabout,” though contextually unclear).

Weaknesses:

  • Inaccurate Word Choice: The term “runabout” is unclear in this context; it might be a mistranslation or misuse.
  • Limited Vocabulary Range: Repetition of certain terms (e.g., “construction,” “housing”) without employing synonyms.
  • Awkward Phrasing: Phrases like “highway will be increased with an expense of a road” are unclear and awkward.

Suggestions:

  • Use Precise Vocabulary: Replace unclear terms with more appropriate ones (e.g., “road network” instead of “runabout”).
  • Expand Lexical Range: Incorporate synonyms to avoid repetition (e.g., “buildings” instead of repeatedly using “housing” or “facilities”).
  • Clarify Phrasing: Ensure that phrases clearly convey the intended meaning. For example, “the highway will be expanded, including the addition of a new road to the northwest part of the area.”

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Variety in Sentence Structures: Uses a mix of simple and complex sentences.
  • Generally Clear Sentences: Most sentences are understandable despite minor errors.

Weaknesses:

  • Article Usage Errors: Missing articles in phrases like “road will be expanded” (should be “the road”).
  • Subject-Verb Agreement: Errors such as “road will be expanded” vs. “roads will be expanded” if plural.
  • Preposition Misuse: Incorrect use of prepositions, e.g., “highway will be increased with an expense of a road” is unclear.
  • Sentence Fragments: Some sentences are incomplete or poorly structured, affecting clarity.

Suggestions:

  • Review Article Usage: Ensure correct use of “a,” “an,” and “the” where necessary.
  • Ensure Subject-Verb Agreement: Double-check that subjects and verbs agree in number.
  • Correct Prepositions: Use appropriate prepositions to convey relationships clearly.
  • Proofread for Completeness: Ensure all sentences are complete and logically structured.

Detailed Feedback on Specific Sections

Introduction:

  • Original: The blueprints illustrate an industrial area in the Norbiton town, and future developed design of the site.

    Improvements:

    • The blueprints illustrate the current state of an industrial area in Norbiton town and its future development plans.

Overall Statement:

  • Original: Overall, the area will experience a rebuild from manufacturing to residential area. New buildings and facilities will be constructed instead of the factories, and road will be expanded.

    Improvements:

    • Overall, the area will undergo a transformation from a manufacturing hub to a residential zone. New buildings and facilities will replace the existing factories, and the roads will be expanded.

Farmland Description:

  • Original: There is farmland on the northern side of a river, which is also located on the north side of a map. This area will undergo a change, farmland will diminish in its size because of a construction of housing in the middle of the farmland. There will be constructed a bridge linking two sides of a river, and this bridge is connected to the main road, which leads to a central area.

    Improvements:

    • On the northern side of the river, there is farmland which will be partially developed to accommodate new housing. A bridge will be constructed to connect both sides of the river, linking to the main road that leads to the central area.

Part 2: The Importance of Taking Risks

Overall Assessment: Band 5.5

1. Task Response (5.5)

Strengths:

  • Addresses the Prompt: The essay discusses the significance of taking risks in both professional and personal lives.
  • Examples Provided: Real-life examples like a Russian businessman and Elon Musk are used to support arguments.

Weaknesses:

  • Thesis Statement: The thesis is somewhat unclear and contains grammatical errors, which may confuse the reader.
  • Argument Development: Ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the consequences of taking risks versus not taking risks are briefly touched upon but not deeply explored.
  • Conclusion: The conclusion is repetitive and does not effectively summarize the key points.

Suggestions:

  • Clear Thesis Statement: Clearly state your position with correct grammar. For example, “This essay argues that taking risks, despite potential failures, is essential for personal and professional growth.”
  • Develop Arguments Thoroughly: Expand on each point with more detailed explanations and additional examples.
  • Effective Conclusion: Summarize the main arguments without introducing new information and reinforce your stance clearly.

2. Coherence and Cohesion (6.0)

Strengths:

  • Logical Sequence: The essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
  • Paragraphing: Separate paragraphs for different ideas help in organizing the content.

Weaknesses:

  • Cohesive Devices Misuse: Some linking words are used inappropriately or insufficiently, leading to confusion.
  • Repetitive Sentence Structures: Overuse of similar sentence forms makes the essay monotonous.
  • Lack of Clear Progression: Ideas sometimes jump without clear transitions, affecting the overall flow.

Suggestions:

  • Appropriate Use of Linking Words: Use connectors accurately to show relationships between ideas (e.g., “although,” “therefore,” “as a result”).
  • Vary Sentence Structures: Incorporate different types of sentences to enhance readability.
  • Ensure Clear Progression: Organize ideas logically, ensuring each sentence smoothly leads to the next.

3. Lexical Resource (5.5)

Strengths:

  • Relevant Vocabulary: Uses terms related to risk, such as “crisis moment,” “invest,” “identity,” and “successful projects.”

Weaknesses:

  • Inaccurate Word Choices: Phrases like “rumour for losing” are awkward and unclear.
  • Limited Vocabulary Range: Repetition of basic words without employing synonyms limits the expression.
  • Incorrect Collocations: Phrases such as “take risks can lead to disaster, leaving you derelict” misuse words (“derelict” is not appropriately used here).

Suggestions:

  • Use Accurate Expressions: Replace unclear phrases with more precise ones (e.g., “the fear of failure” instead of “rumour for losing”).
  • Expand Vocabulary Range: Incorporate synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition (e.g., “ventures,” “attempts,” “outcomes”).
  • Correct Collocations: Ensure that words are used in their correct context (e.g., “risk-taking can lead to failure, leaving you without resources” instead of “derelict”).

4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (5.5)

Strengths:

  • Attempt at Complex Sentences: Some complex sentence structures are used, demonstrating grammatical range.
  • Generally Understandable: The main ideas are conveyed despite grammatical mistakes.

Weaknesses:

  • Frequent Grammatical Errors: Issues with subject-verb agreement, improper tense usage, and incorrect sentence structures.
  • Awkward Phrasing: Sentences like “it would be better to do and regret” are confusing.
  • Incorrect Word Forms: Errors in using correct word forms, such as “leaving you derelict” instead of “leaving you with nothing.”

Suggestions:

  • Grammar Practice: Focus on subject-verb agreement, correct tense usage, and proper sentence construction.
  • Simplify Sentences: To avoid confusion, consider breaking down complex ideas into simpler sentences.
  • Proofread and Edit: Carefully review sentences to correct awkward phrasings and ensure clarity.

Detailed Feedback on Specific Sections

Introduction:

  • Original: It is crucial for individuals to risk, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. This essay will argue that although taking risks can lead to disaster, leaving you derelict, it would be better to do and regret, with a huge experience.

    Improvements:

    • Taking risks is crucial for individuals in both their professional and personal lives. This essay argues that although taking risks can sometimes lead to failure and loss, it is preferable to take risks and potentially regret the outcomes than to avoid them entirely and miss out on valuable experiences.

First Body Paragraph:

  • Original: People in the entire world experience a crisis moment in their lives, when they need to decide to risk or not. In many cases, the rumour for losing is higher than winning or achieving something. This decision is determining their fates. Therefore, if you don’t want to be derelict with nothing, you shouldn’t take risks and keep processing in your own way. For example, a successful businessman in Russia decided to invest his entire budget into his own business, and it occurred that he lost his family, business, and identity. However, successful stories are coming from people who decided to take risks, and in the end win.

    Improvements:

    • Everyone faces critical moments in life where they must decide whether to take a risk. Often, the fear of losing outweighs the potential for winning or achieving something significant. This decision can determine one’s future. For instance, a successful businessman in Russia decided to invest his entire budget into his own business but ended up losing his family, business, and identity. However, there are also successful individuals who took risks and ultimately succeeded.

Second Body Paragraph:

  • Original: It is better to try and regret rather than regretting from not doing it. If you are disadvantaged from an outcome, try next with another strategy. At least, you will know that the previous approach was wrong and won’t continue the same mistakes. But if you didn’t decide to take a risk, you would never know what would have happened. For example, while Elon Musk was doing projects in SpaceX, his all 99 rockets didn’t reach any success. Instead of giving up, he decided to take risks and try one more time, and, subsequently, his company ranked first with successful projects in the space.

    Improvements:

    • It is better to try and regret the outcome than to regret not taking action. If an attempt fails, one can adopt a different strategy for the next try, learning from past mistakes. Conversely, avoiding risks means never knowing what could have been achieved. For example, Elon Musk encountered failure with his first 99 SpaceX rockets. Instead of giving up, he continued to take risks and eventually succeeded, establishing SpaceX as a leader in space projects.

Conclusion:

  • Original: In conclusion, it is essential for people to take risks, both in their professional and personal lives. Despite the rumours of leaving with nothing, it would be better to try and take risks. At least, you would gain a vast amount of experience.

    Improvements:

    • In conclusion, taking risks is essential in both professional and personal contexts. Despite the fear of potential losses, it is preferable to take risks and gain valuable experience rather than avoiding them and missing out on opportunities for growth.

Final Recommendations

For Part 1:

  1. Enhance Specificity: Provide detailed descriptions of the redevelopment plan, including exact figures and specific features.
  2. Improve Lexical Precision: Use accurate and context-appropriate vocabulary to clearly convey changes.
  3. Refine Grammatical Accuracy: Focus on correct article usage, subject-verb agreement, and clear sentence structures.
  4. Strengthen Coherence: Use a variety of linking words and ensure smooth transitions between ideas.

For Part 2:

  1. Clarify Thesis and Arguments: Develop a clear thesis statement and ensure each paragraph fully explores a single idea.
  2. Expand Lexical Resource: Utilize a broader range of vocabulary and correct word usage to articulate points effectively.
  3. Improve Grammatical Accuracy: Address frequent grammatical errors through focused practice and proofreading.
  4. Enhance Coherence and Cohesion: Ensure logical progression of ideas with appropriate linking devices and varied sentence structures.

By addressing these areas, your essays will exhibit improved clarity, cohesion, and language proficiency, aligning more closely with higher IELTS band criteria.

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IELTS Writing Comprehensive Assessment

Task 1 - Map Changes (Band: 5.5)

Task Achievement (5.5)

  • Strengths:
    • Covers main changes from industrial to residential
    • Includes location details
  • Weaknesses:
    • Some key changes omitted
    • Vague descriptions (“will be expanded”)
    • Missing precise details about locations

Coherence and Cohesion (5.5)

  • Strengths:
    • Basic paragraph structure
    • Uses some linking words
  • Weaknesses:
    • Article errors (“a river,” “a map”)
    • Repetitive use of “will be”
    • Abrupt transitions between areas

Language Errors:

❌ "a river" → "the river"
❌ "a map" → "the map"
❌ "runabout" → "roundabout"
❌ "with an expense" → "at the expense"

Corrected Version (First Paragraph):

The blueprints illustrate planned changes to an industrial area in Norbiton town.

Overall, the area will be transformed from an industrial zone into a residential district, with new buildings and facilities replacing the factories, and expanded road networks.

Task 2 - Risk Taking (Band: 5.5)

Task Response (5.5)

  • Strengths:
    • Clear position on risk-taking
    • Attempts to provide examples
  • Weaknesses:
    • Unclear structure
    • Examples lack depth
    • Word choice issues (“rumour” instead of “risk”)

Coherence and Cohesion (5.5)

  • Strengths:
    • Basic paragraph structure
    • Attempt at linking ideas
  • Weaknesses:
    • Poor word choice (“rumour” for “probability”)
    • Informal language (“Жесть”)
    • Inconsistent argument development

Major Language Issues:

❌ "rumour for losing" → "probability/likelihood of failure"
❌ "derelict with nothing" → "left with nothing"
❌ "all 99 rockets didn't reach any success" → "first 99 rocket launches were unsuccessful"

Suggested Improvement (Introduction):

Taking risks is vital in both professional and personal life. While risk-taking can potentially lead to failure, this essay argues that the experience gained, even from unsuccessful attempts, is more valuable than avoiding risks altogether.

Common Issues Across Both Tasks:

  1. Article Usage:

    • Inconsistent use of “a/the”
    • Missing articles where needed
    • Overuse of articles with general nouns

  2. Verb Tenses:

    • Mixing present and future tenses inappropriately
    • Inconsistent use of past tense in examples

  3. Vocabulary:

    • Limited range
    • Incorrect word choices
    • Informal expressions

  4. Grammar:

    • Subject-verb agreement issues
    • Incorrect preposition usage
    • Run-on sentences

Recommendations for Improvement:

  1. Task 1 (Maps):

    • Use more precise location markers (north, south, etc.)
    • Be specific about changes (sizes, locations)
    • Use appropriate articles consistently
    • Avoid repetitive structures

  2. Task 2 (Essay):

    • Strengthen thesis statement
    • Develop examples more fully
    • Use formal vocabulary
    • Improve paragraph transitions

  3. General Writing Skills:

    • Study article usage rules
    • Practice formal vocabulary
    • Review basic grammar
    • Focus on sentence structure

Practice Exercises:

  1. Article Usage:

    • Identify when to use “the” vs. “a/an”
    • Practice with general and specific nouns

  2. Vocabulary Building:

    • Learn synonyms for common words
    • Study academic word lists
    • Practice formal expressions

  3. Grammar Focus:

    • Work on complex sentences
    • Practice different tenses
    • Study preposition usage

Overall Assessment:

Your current writing suggests Band 5.5, with potential for improvement to Band 6.0 by addressing:

  • Article usage
  • Vocabulary range
  • Grammar accuracy
  • Coherence between ideas

Focus on these areas in your practice, and consistently review formal writing structures and vocabulary.